(indulge me or skip this. i get kinda whiney.)
i've been trying to sort out all the thoughts and chaos that is (are?) floating about the noggin but just can't seem to pull it off. in a nutshell, i feel sad. heavy with sad. there are real reasons for this and not so real reasons for this and i think the not so real reasons make me feel foolish and stupid and quite ridiculous and all ego-driven. and it seems that when i feel sad, i am a wonder at digging up all the awful hurtful things people in my life have told me i am. so yeah, not so fun. how is it that we can receive praise and all that good stuff and it gives a smile that carries us through the day but give it some time and all we can recall is the bad stuff, the stuff where people tell you you are hateful and unkind and it is no wonder you have no friends. the bad stuff that wallops you in the gut, takes your breath away and keeps you from eating or thinking or sleeping or maybe keeps you from not eating or sleeping or thinking. too little or too much of any of that can't be good.
i feel sad and i feel foolish and not at all unlike my thirteen year old self who muddled through junior high in a saddened friendless state. i'm not saying i have no friends because i do, i have some absolutely wonderful people in my life (you know who you are). i'm just admitting to my juvenile self who feels unliked and unpopular and then really lame for wanting to be popular. who do i think i am miss amanda jones or somethin'? i have never felt like i fit in, ever. hello? i'm a freaking oingo boingo fan...my mantra was on the outside and even with all my wisdom and maturity (kee-hee) i still feel socially inept and on the fringe of everything that goes on around me. there are circles i circle around in but are not actually IN and i'm not sure why. i want to be but i'm not. is this a problem with me feeling insecure (thanks pop) so i don't want to push it or is it because i'm just not really liked. do i need to be more agressive and assume i'm a part of the crowd or do i wait for an invitation. most of all i think i really need to get over this dorkier-than-dorky feeling and move on. right?
mr. a-go-go and i are leaving may 1 or at least that is the plan. we are packing up and heading out for an adventure not knowing exactly what is going to happen. we're leaving our tiny casa and this great big city we live in. we are leaving friends and family behind. it is exciting and scary and i'm ashamed to admit that i don't think it will make any difference. oh, that sounds awful but what i mean is, will we be missed? will we meet new people, will my internet friends want to meet us? see? i'm like sooo totally acting like a teenager. it's nuts. this is the stuff that is not so real that makes me fret. the other stuff, the truly saddening stuff makes me too kerfungled to write and so i won't. and to cap it all off,my birthday is next week and i haven't really made a plan, or organized anything to do and i'm not sure i want to but that makes me feel petulant. there will be good eats and i will see my favorite people but i feel like it is mechanical and that is all my problem. my nutty way of behaving and thinking. i have told you i am a dork, right?
a total dork.