Thursday, January 27, 2011

it's party time {or} the return of the sad racoon

well...not THAT kind of party. yeah, yeah, i know, i seem to be in a mood more often than not but i'd like to think it is justified. maybe my body is confused because of the insanely gorgeous weather we're having or maybe my brain isn't producing enough serotonin or melatonin or whatever tonin it is supposed to be baking up. either way i feel like running away and a great big rabbit hole would be just dandy.

(warning, sad rant ahead, read at your own risk)

i'm sorry i haven't been posting much but i don't really feel like sunshine and rainbows and happy colors and flowers. my head has been pounding for a few days now and i am tired and crankier than usual. i'm trying to not have ANY sugar right now and maybe all this is a symptom of detox i don't know. i just feel like a square peg trying to fit into that round hole and it's just never gonna happen. i'm never going to be something i'm not. and when i feel all square peggish and unhappy i dwell on those things i cannot change. i'm never going to be a slender, pretty craft writer. i'm never going to be a mom. i'm never going to be a person who can talk to their mother or father. one is dead and the other may as well be for all they care. how's that for uncomfortable baggage?

in less than thirty days i am going to be forty. FORTY! i have no job, no leads, no space to call my own and am one unhappy camper. forty for freaks sake and i have nothing to show for it. there may be stories to share and many of them may be quite amusing but that's it. what makes this all worse is that i feel ungrateful. i feel splotchy and mean and whiny and lamer than lame. i feel like i take up too much space and am in everyone's way. no good. no good. i feel like i have no right to throw a pity party but my head hurts so badly that my toddler self has thrown the body on the floor all red-faced and top-of-the-lungs-screamy.

and now i feel smaller than small. this may very well be my true self. not much to like, right? if there is one thing i am really, really good at it is beating myself up. right now i see no reason not to, it is what it is and i'm letting it out and i am feeling all sorts of wonky. and truthfully i am scared you will think poorly of me or that you might think i need meds or therapy and who knows, maybe i do. what i need more though, is a job, or something to help me feel like there is any point to my sitting here feeling all blue. so yep folks, the raccoon is back. this time she has punked up my skin which is drier than dry and my hair? i don't know what is going on, it has grown coarse and dry and straighter than usual. and the circles under my eyes are the prettiest shade of plum i have seen except for that fact that is is on my face. sigh. i do bid you well, and think i shall retire with a cool glass of water and the comfort of a very dark room. 

**and before you panic, the pic was taken two days ago when the mister and i rode out to the port of san luis. it was a perfect day for a bike ride and a lovely ride at that. my brains was a little off but not too much so. this is a mood, a funk, a gloom, a phase. it will pass. it will. 


  1. Anonymous6:43 PM

    hang in there. try to do at least one thing good for yourself today.

  2. i get it. 100%. i feel like you're describing more often than not.

    BUT i've been reading your blog for what feels like a very long time and i think you've got a lot to show for 40. also, i have it on good authority that although this may be your true self right now, there's also a true self that's pretty great. really.

    so, let yourself be this self now. its what makes those really great moments under blue skies with the man you love oh-so-awesome.

  3. Anonymous7:53 AM

    Wow you and I should get together and have a moan fest. I was in the same state of mind yesterday. I'm ignoring it today. Or trying to. I wish I knew what to say except you're really not abnormal or screwed up or not awesome. I think you're awesome. Always have. Happy colors and rainbows they're exhausting some times.

  4. oh jek, you are so awesome=) you have millions of people who love and adore you and can't wait to see what you make next! you have super cool crafting skills, decorating skills, and dressing skills. you have a fantastic husband! you are a coolness touchstone for me. and you are awesome looking, too<3