Monday, February 28, 2011

the old lady inside

i've been 40 for less than a week and it seems the signs are there folks. i am old. as in the little old lady of yesteryear.

there is evidence mind you, i'm not making it up. and if for any reason you thought me hip i'm about to blow it all out of the water. evidence. it's there. it's there in the tiny bits of fallout from the tissue i left in my pocket when the jeans went into the wash.

it's there in the cough drops i stash in my underwear drawer, the bright red lipstick that slips to the corners of my mouth and the hacking cough i wake up to every morning before my tea.

evidence. it's there. it's there when the college kids ride their bikes right in front of the car and it's all i can do to NOT channel granny and yell "Stupid Ass!" it's there when i find myself in a store like Forever 21 and Sparks comes on and I want to tell everyone "I can't believe they're playing Sparks!" and then i look down at my mismatched socks and too-tight, too short slacks and blush the pinkiest shade of pink. just the fact that i refer to my black pants as slacks is cause for some biddiness, no? or how about when i went to buy said slacks i hovered over the rack that carried them with elastic waist-bands? evidence my friends, evidence. it's there.

next thing you know i will be drinking wine...from a box. i will keep a handful of butterscotch candies in my purse and attempt to hand them out to the kiddos that pop up in my periphery. i may or may not take to hiding almond rocca in the freezer and i just may rediscover my love of A Price Is Right, Drew Carey and all. just wait, all i need is a house coat, quilted of course, and i'll be a happy camper sitting on the davenport armed with my sudoku books, a magnifying glass and the remote control.


  1. um, what's wrong with wine from a box?
    You are not an old lady silly girl.
    You are a one of the funnest and most inspiring people around!

  2. but the kleenex? the cough drops? the sugar horde?

    yer sweety sweet, thank you and as long as the box isn't camped out next to the davenport i suppose it's all good. ;)

  3. awww jekkie-poo --

    you've been channeling your inner granny since you were 16 (or whenever you got your first hornrims) and makin' it WORK!

    it's Grandmere Chic, bebe!

    housecoats and pocket candy are AWESOME!

    orthopedic shoes ROCK!

    i'll go yell "BUY A BELT!" at silly boys with 6 inches of their boxers showing right along with you!!!

  4. Hilarious!! You are not old but you are bloody funny!

  5. Anonymous8:25 PM

    Jek, I feel certain that you haven't met ALL the criteria just yet.
    1. Do you slurp your soup and eat moonpies at 2 pm?
    2. Do you wear a scarf indoors and keep the heater on 75 degrees, even though everyone around you is sweating profusely?
    3. Do you eagerly look forward to reruns of The Rockford Files or The Andy Griffith Show?
    4. Do you get your hair "done" once a week then sleep with a bag over your hair, taking care to not toss and turn?
    5. Do you listen to the TV so loud that even your neighbors know which show you're watching?

    Sadly, I answered yest to 3 of 5!

    You're awesome, Jek!

  6. @annie, thank you! i try. ;)

    @Jen...i'm 3 out of 5 as well...skootch over and we can share a cuppa tea. ;)

  7. I'm getting there with you!
    LOVE that you said Davenport! (my boyfriend had no idea what a Davenport was)
    There's a funny Family Guy episode
    "Brian's Got a Brand New Bag" you should really watch it....

  8. if only i was forty again..!