i'm in need of a nap

 My brother is officially out of the CCU! So happy and relieved. Now that the meds are slip, slipping out of his system this new part of the journey is going to be a doozy. Nobody likes a hospital, at least not as a patient and especially my brother. Today was a roller coaster of yays and uh-ohs. He is s l o w l y recovering but still loopy from the meds. He has moments of clarity and assertiveness and then more moments of confusion and obstinance. I had to forcefully restrain him from getting out of his bed while we rallied up a nurse or two to do it in a more official way. He was quite unhappy with me and that was hard, not in a "poor me" kind of way but more in a...oh...I can't really explain it but roller coaster works for now. We had a small crowd at one point today and managed to offer up a few laughs. His personality is there and pushing to the front of his consciousness and with time and rest I am certain he will be walking out the door but first we have to ease him up and out and he is not a guy who eases...if today is any indication, he is going to give the entire floor staff an experience.

Today I almost, almost fell asleep sitting in my brother's new room as he slept soundly beside me. It rained today and the view out the window was quite pretty. My body is tired and my brain is fuzzy and I am certain I am forgetting to call people and eat and keep hydrated. I am so sleepy and full of so many emotions...all those residual memories of other hospital visits and traumas and near misses and tragedies. I am trying to remember to take care of myself and admit that it is okay to want to flee and return to my tiny cluttered casa full of fabric bits and unswept floors. It will happen soon enough and until then I need to embrace normalness. It's okay to eat a treat, read a book, play on pinterest or laugh with friends. It doesn't take away from caring for my brother or myself or the mister. With any luck and good thoughts, I will manage a nap, a hug and maybe, just maybe, finally get that coke I've been craving. Thank you again for your words of support and encouragement. I'm going to post a pretty picture just because and maybe tomorrow I can write about something less exciting.

yesterday was a good day

 Thank you for the good love and wishes. Really and truly, I have been so anxious and scared and lost and it helps to simply put my thoughts out there and received good thoughts back. The mister drove all the way back up to SLO last night and I was a wreck waiting for his call. He'll be driving back down today and we'll be staying, staying, staying. The positive news is that my brother was extubated yesterday with success. I have not heard word from the hospital since we left so I am hoping that this is still the case. My oldest friend and I were in his room keeping him company and he really began to respond to the sounds and voices around him. his nurse got him to open his eyes, nod his head and squeeze his hand they decided he was pretty close to being on his own and the doctor on duty was called in. We removed ourselves from the room both to give them space, my brother privacy and me the freedom to not see bow awful the experience as going to be. I think he fought it as when we returned, his nurse had a large knot on her head. Oh brother! But...yay, he is breathing without the respirator! He was still super groggy but with his eyes opening and a lot of mumble mumble. His personality still shines through all those drugs and we were one joyous little party in that room. My gal is going to be picking me up for a squeeze and a chauffer and I will be at the hospital until mister returns from up north or I finagle someone else to pick me up or bring me food or steal me away. Thank you again for all of your support both near, far and new. You gotta love this tech world we're in, thank you!

***

 My brother is on life support. There is a long plastic hose snaking in through his mouth, down his esophagus and into his lungs. It pushes air in and moves air out causing his chest to pump erratically in time with the hnkhnkhnk of the respirator. His blood pressure cuff whirs and tightens every twenty minutes or so and it is followed by a loud announcement of beeps and chaotic shrills that make me and the mister jump each time they go off. The first time it happened I panicked. I was alone in the room and no one came rushing in to attend to the alarm. Thank goodness his nurse explained what it was when I asked. Now we can sit, prepare and wince when the familiar whir of the cuff begins to squeeze my brother's sadly swollen arm. He is sedated, but not too much. He is restless and moves with such grace it is mesmerizing. He is tall, taller than the bed wants him to be thus his legs wander and slip, slip. slip off the edges. He also is slightly defiant in his continuous quest to slip out of that bed. It could simply be the meds, the lack of movement or maybe and I do hope this is the case, he wants up and out of there. Keep it up big brother, we want you out of there as well. The curiousness of his illness is that he should be able to breathe on his own. The damage from the asthma and lung disease is not so great there is no hope. The big guess is that he pushed himself too long, too hard and this is his time to rest and recover. I hope more than my heart can bear that this is the case. They are doing a test on him this morning that began with weaning him from sedation through the night to see if he could be roused and breathe on his own. We can be there now and visit after 9am but I need to protect my now weakened crunchy coating. I'm not so crunchy right now and I've cried a lot last night. In a fit of petty whininess I want to shout out that this isn't fair. Not for him, not for me, not for our family. I lost my mother in my 20s and my granny in my 30s and I really want my 40s to be free of losing loved ones. I like to think I am too young to have had these experiences but obviously that isn't the case as they have happened.

Be strong big brother, you still need to build me a desk and paint me a picture and let me steal away some of your pottery collection. You still need to visit us up in SLO, move up there and carve your fishing lures, cook us tri-tip and dazzle the town with an awesome family-owned cheese shop. You, me and our sister need to fall into a pile and crack up over our favorite Bugs bunny Cartoons again. You and the mister need to build outsider instruments together and we all need to sit on the sofa during our weekly breakfast for dinner night and play ridiculous songs on our homemade ukes. So be strong big brother, be patient, let those who love you help you and embrace our love and adoration. You so very deserve it.

i could use a little love right now

See that guy up there in that picture? That's my big brother. The most influential person in my life. He is amazing in so many ways and he in the critical care unit of a hospital down in Los Angeles. I'm down in L.A. now as  well. He has severe damage to his lungs from asthma and other lung diseases and he is a smoker (bad, bad, bad brother)! He has been intubated and on a respirator for the past seven days. He is unable to breathe on his own and not recovering as quickly as other people in his situation. It is scary, he is sick and I am beyond worried for his life.

I am so very grateful for the powers of our social networking. My brother took himself to the hospital on Saturday without telling anyone. He's a fairly solitary and private kind of guy but when he did not show up for work for a few days, concerned people went to his house, texted and called to see what was going on. One of those amazing people had the foresight to call the closest hospital and it was discovered he was there. Another co-worker and fortunately old childhood friend and neighbor had the foresight to contact another friend who is close with me who then stepped up to tell me what was going on. My brother's ex also contacted me just hours before. It's been confusing and scary and very unpleasant. I have the warm fuzzies knowing my brother has people who love and care for him. I'm not sure what I am doing and I hope to do the best I can by him. For now, we're talking to him, getting visitors into his room and within earshot. I'm going to find his ipod and get some music going and we're hoping to find a quiet uke to strum as well. Small steps, tiny steps, recovering steps is what I am hoping for first. This guy is so amazing, he needs to know this and he needs to recover so he can continue to amaze us. Thank you for allowing me my space to feel safe and share. This is how I process, this is how I recover. good vibes are and will always be welcomed.

Random brother fact #1: He is the guy who married my husband and I. He stepped up, got ordained and I love him for that.

a little like Gidget

a little like Gidget by jekinthebox featuring a wingtip oxford

say cheese!

 Thank you for the get better vibes. Last night I only snuffled and hacked a handful of times. In other words, I slept until 4am without a fuss but then the brain turned on overtime and I couldn't lull myself back to dreamland until 6am and then I was up after 45 minutes or so. Drats! So, I mentioned I made cheese last week, paneer to be exact and I took photos because well, I'm me and it's cool and so very easy I think you should make some if you do the dairy thing...check it out, I used this recipe from The Kitchn.

Squeeze a bunch of lemons to get about 2-3 Tablesoons of juice. Set aside.

Pour a half gallon of whole or 2% milk into a large pot. Turn on heat and bring to a boil but watch it, it foams up uber quick. My milk never actually boiled in a bubbly way, it just foamed up. Once that happens, remove from heat.

 While milk is heating, double line your colander with  cheesecloth (muslin will work as well). If you have a large tub or bowl, pop the colander on top of that so you can save your whey for future uses. I did not and am now wishing I did. Off!

Add your lemon or lime juice, 2-3 Tablespoons or more if you feel like yer not getting enough curd out of your milk. The milk will curdle and hopefully keep curdling as you add all of your citrus juice. I also added a couple of cranks of sea salt at this point just to see how it would turn out.

Pour the curds and whey into your collander and allow to sit until cool enough to handled.

 

Once cool, wrap it up and squeeze excess moisture out with your hands. Pop the ball o' cheese now flattened by you, it will be crumbly, onto a large platter with a rim to hold any remaining liquid, placing a heavy cutting board  or other weighted bits on top to press, kinda like when you press out tofu. 

 After an hour or so it is good to go. I kept mine in the fridge for a few days, we ate it last night with curried lentils and it was delicious. It does firm up oodles i nthe firdge. OYu can also store it in water but the water needs to be changed daily. I sadly have no photos of the pan fried goodness as it was dark and I was hungry. Enjoy!