bluesy bluesy blues

as usual, i had a plan. i wanted to dazzle the internet and blog world with stellar handmade ideas and crazy-easy handmade projects. i have lists here, there and everywhere. some are written in pencil, some written in ink. red ink, blue ink, even a little purple is floating about. i have oodles of half-finished projects taking up space in the homestead a-go-go, it is as if a jek disaster has trickled through the house...or barrelled through. all sorts of crafty debris has lava-d itself in every nook and cranny and you would think that with all this busyness and making i would be inspired and happy to finish but i am not.

my heart is breaking. my not-so-old witch-baby (aka cat) is in liver failure and we don't know why. the vets recommend a biopsy but why would i put her through all that when all it would do would be prolonging an unhealthy life. she of the hissy-fits and cricket chattering who loves broccoli is not herself. she usually settles herself on your lap purr-purr-purring away until she decides she wants to move and so with a meowrl and nip she prances off only to return moments later as if you didn't just break up.  she who sleeps with paws outstretched as if she is flying through the air is curled up in an immovable ball. she hasn't had water or food or moved for almost two days. she doesn't look up and greet when you approach. there or no birp-chirps or nose licks or purrs. her rabbit coat is not so shiny and the fur on her spine is old cat cowlicked. my heart is breaking, all of ours are. we don't know what to do. what to do?

and because i am a pisces and prone to dramatics i am wondering why this week is so stupidly awful. my body aches and feels out of sorts and i have a blue feeling, a melancholy heart and i can't think (or couldn't think) of a reason but then i spied the calendar and realized that my body knew what my brain did not, this weeks marks the eleventh anniversary of my mother's death. eleven years is a long time i know. last year, i actually fared better. this year however it has come full circle. the days of the week are all lined up and match like they did that awful week before she died. so there is an ick, a heavy ick all knotted up where my heart should be and instead of a steady beat there is a twisty-tango all jumbled up and screech, screech, screeching its song. i am sad. i am heartbroken.

if only it were backwards day

cuz i feel lousy. i'm not sure where my brain has hied off to but i am quite sure it has run away and eloped with my self-esteem. i'm having a stupid, stupid week (seriously, stoopid). but it's okay cuz i think anyone would be having such a week if they were me. let me count my woes...

*i'm still sick with lung stuff. i blame it on the pollen from the trees we played under two weeks ago at the park. i tend to forget i have sad lungs. i'm kinda like a kid that way. "but moooommmm..."

*because of the ick, i have a COUGH...as in fully loaded. it ain't pretty. and i've been hacking so hard my muscles hurt and my bones ache and i feel on the verge of nausea nonstop.

*because of the cough i can't sleep. and if there is one thing i'm really good at, it's sleeping. haven't slept in well in two weeks. there are nice plumby bruises under my eyes from this lack of sleep.

*the mister too has not been sleeping. it's all because of me. i hack, i wheeze, i cough and then i um...SNORE, like my old valiant when the manifold baked itself open. worse than a chopper. it is bad. and because he isn't sleeping, i feel guilty. he is the one with the hateful job after all.

*not only is there a cough and guilt and a flurry of alien beings festering in my lungs, there are wee creatures that seems to nap in my throat causing me to gurgle and wheeze and sound like a pack of snurfle-faced pugs. this also keeps me awake.

and because i am feeling self-indulgent, let's toss a few more woes into the mix...(you may wish to run away and go read something else or watch this or this because i do give a little too much info coming up. i'm just warning ya.)

*so i'm sick and i'm wheezy and i'm very unhappy with this ick why not wallow a little in my infertility. you may or may not be aware of this but it is so and i'm sad. actually i'm pretty pissed off about it because there are real REASONS* and there is nothing i can do. we had been trying for five years and two summers ago i had a very painful test (for me) that spelled it all out. the parts aren't shaped right. deformity was also mentioned. and grandma had just died and so i coped by pretending i was okay. that i knew it was probably not going to happen anyway and i probably would suck at being a mom so this is for the better, right? and so i pretended and i cried and i ate and i got lazy and i ate more and got lazier and gained what i like to call "the no-baby weight". and i'm quite embarrassed about it all but it is there and i want to change it but i can't breathe to DO anything about it so what do i do instead? i drink a coke...from MCDonalds. a large one and then another and another (not in a row, mind you) over the course of a couple of months which ADDS to the "no-baby weight" and topples over a few more dominoes. okay, a LOT more dominoes.

*and then there's this whole road trip and move. don't get me wrong. i am VERY excited about it all but it is a bit overwhelming. the packing up of the tiny casa, the adventuring to the unknown and wondering if we're gonna be okay through it all, leaving good friends and lovely people behind...see...more dominoes.

*so all these dominoes are falling over but they're not connected to any cool Rube Goldberg machine just my shaky sense of self which makes me weepy. add the ick and this makes me extra weepy. so there has been a lot of tears this week but i think they're a bit cathartic. tiring yes, painful, most definitely but the more i work it out in my head, the more i think about it and talk it through, the more stable i feel.

oh, if only today were backwards day...

*p.s. did i forget to mention the menopause? oy!