like clockwork

i've been in the funkiest of funks lately. my head is cloudy, foggy and i feel sad, sad, sad. i want to pick up and start over somewhere where no one knows me and i can be the odd quiet lady up on the hill who never comes outside and just may very well be a witch. i ache. i ache for the me i am not, for the me i could be if i just got my act together, for the me that i want to be. i ache. school is tough, this session around. the workload is overwhelming and with the funk, it feels heavier and almost impossible. the construction all around me doesn't help. my health doesn't help. the mister's own funk, doesn't help. the cloudy, foggy mess that is my brain simply doesn't help. i am aware that life isn't all doom and gloom. i am aware that i am quite lucky and i think that makes it worse. who am i to feel such a funk? i've got a good thing going here. i am loved by my mister and my nifty, lovely friends and i am lucky. i am, i know this yet, like clockwork, i feel the funk. it's mania. it's wretched. it's confusing as all get out.

for a few weeks now it has been difficult waking in the morning. it has been difficult sleeping through the night. the bad brain has been pretty active and things simply slip, slip, slip away. the ups and downs make me dizzy and crazy-tired all at the same time. i feel out of control and incapable and slightly crazy to be feeling any of this in the first place and then the guilt shoulders its way in. i feel up, i feel down, i feel good, i feel wretched. i want to disappear, i want to pass out flowers on the street. it's mania. it's wretched. it's confusing as all get out.

i've caught a cold that has morphed into something else and it has thieved away my newly recovered sense of smell. i am mourning this loss like there's no tomorrow and i feel stupid for it. yet, at the same time, this loss keeps me disconnected from the world. there is a foggy, silence of scent all about me that makes me feel flat and two dimensional and unreal and disconnected. the tears, the sobs, the silent sadness. the smiles, the guffaws, the small bursts of inspiration. it's mania. it's wretched. it's confusing as all get out. and then i see the calendar, i see what day today is and i get it. i hate it, that it effects me like this, but i get it.

i think this year is so difficult because of last year. last year was really trying and sad for me. this year hasn't been a hardship at all but the memories of last year threaten to steal it all away. today is my mother's birthday. she has been gone for ten years and still, i am sad. still, i miss her so i have to remind myself to breathe. today is her birthday and she isn't here. today is her birthday and my grandmother isn't here. today is here birthday and i have nothing left of her to carry me through, not even the hope of a daughter i could tell her stories to. it's mania. it's wretched. it's confusing as all get out. i miss my mother, i mourn my grandmother and i ache for a daughter i will never have. i think then, that it is okay to feel this way. it will pass. it's mania. it's wretched. it's confusing as all get out, but it will pass.

spontaneity

don't you love it when you do something odd in the moment and it works? i received a lovely surprise package from a lovely lady and she tied it all up with an assortment of orange yarn. i didn't want the yarn to disappear in the mess that is the casa so i jetted to the living room to wander through the chest of drawers to see what i could find. this is what i found. isn't she grand?

the week in nreview: mar 16-21

spent most of the week at home noodling around and reading for class, with a weekend drive up to visit family thrown in. what i didn't do was write, write, write. this week? i have to write, write, write. and now mr. a-go-go and i both have colds. crikey!

like a rubberband

it seems as if tiny evil rubber band imps have snuck into my mouth as i slept. what workable jaw hinge i have been playing with as of late has been wrapped tightly by invisible threads. not fun. if there are any aetna file reviewer types out there please note that i need to get my mouth fixed and it would be best for you to cover it firstly. i need a review of my review.

thank you.

happy go lucky pin tutorial

this morning i couldn't decide if i was going to go all out and wear green from head to toe or do what i usually do and put a smidge of green on but with impact. if it ain't broke, don't fix it, so i went with a black dress and green footless tights. the green tights weren't quite as green on as they were in the drawer so i rushed about the tiny casa looking for something i could whip up into something.the chaos goddess was with me when my eyes spied a happy stack of felt squares. i'd make a shamrock brooch! but then i thought i needed something more than felt so frantically tossed craft supplies willy-nilly looking for scraps of green fabric. wouldn't you know it, the fabric scraps had decided to hide from me so i was frantic, i tell ya! frantic! i swooped in and picked up a zipper pouch and found a treasure inside. fabric yo-yos hand-stitched by my mamos from my old clothes and such. there were green yo-yos! happy green gingham yo-yos about the size of a quarter. so i made happy yoyo shamrock pins. check it out! i stitched my yo-yos to the felt square and glued on the ribbon and pin-back. i had about ten minutes to whip up a trio of them before the more-than-fabulous stacey (the lovely model above) arrived to whisk me off for a thrifting adventure. you can of course whip them up however you will or you can turn them into flowers or other such happiness, either way, they are quick, they are easy and they are happy. have fun!

the week in review

today i feel like Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. no real reason, just a series of icks. looking at this week in review makes it only slightly better and then i think of all the things i didn't get to. aack! the week was spent taking care of all those things you have to take care off. important phone calls, school work and deadlines (one of which i have failed so i need to log off...now!) hope you all have a most pleasant and dazzling of weeks. over and out for now!