grandma

i can't believe it has been a year since you died. i'm still stumbling about trying to figure out who i am in this nutty world. i never realized how much i defined myself through you. even through the tough and so very difficult times, i loved you and felt my purpose was to be there for you, to advocate, to share and to keep you thinking and rethinking what you believed to be true about the world around you. this day marks a past year of loss for me. loss, confusion, anger, insecurities and more. on the heels of your death, came the dreaded hsg and confirmation that my insides are as screwed up as my outsides. it is no wonder i have had a hell of a year. the year is still not exactly what i was hoping, but i'm working on it. i'm working on me. i'm graduating next week and it is a bittersweet victory. i think i just need to focus on pushing through this cloud that has been swirling all around me. it has been like a silent storm that never erupted yet still kept me anchored in one spot afraid to live my life. i suppose i need to ignore that storm. i need to live my life whatever it may be. it scares the heck out of me. it does, but i will. i miss you.

But I don't want any lemonade!

I was super crafty yesterday and managed to pull all my notes together for tomorrow's in class presentation. My plan for today was to write it all up, clean a little and finish up a bunch of crafts. It looks like I'll be putting it all aside for today, Granny is headed to the hospital with chest pains. I hate phone calls that give me scary information. Granny is 94 years old and sometimes we joke she will out live us all but at the same time 94 is a momentus age and I worry about her all the time. Admittedly I get frustrated with the rest of the grandkids who don't offer much or anything at all. My sister is too far away and my brother is too busy I guess. As for my cousins, they don't even ask how she is doing which puts a whole different sadness into the mix. Anyway I juice these lemons it is going to be bittersweet. Send out your good thoughts and vibes for granny please. She can use all the lurve she can get.

the saga of granny continues

So, they put in a pick line to help get those antibiotics through her hoping the wound on her foot will heal soon. If not for the foot and the clogged artery ick she would be pretty good. Actually she isnt't doing too bad for her almost 94-dom...I warned against polka dancing for now. She nodded as she chow downed on her candy bar. I think she thinks I'm crazy.

Yesterday I hit the local cemetery to see if I could find Evy, grannie's "no good" ex-husband and his sister "I am a follower of Sister Aimee" Mabel, my great aunt. Sadly, I was to discover that they have no name markers but single digit numbers. Evy is number 1, while Mabel is number 4...I wandered all over the Acacia Gardens but could not find them. Sigh. I also checked to see if my brother was there but there was no listing. My father" could not even remember where he was buried. Good going, dad. I did wander all over the place and managed to take pics of xmas trees and holiday decorations that people put out. I find it all very interesting. It kind of makes sense to me, I mean I understand where they are coming from I guess but for me it doesn't make sense. Interesting indeed.

Other than all the ho-hummines of this week and all that weepiness I don't want to revisit, I did manage to finish a large batch of go-go gloves which should be up in the etsy shop soon...whatdoya think? Should I become a hand model?