Thursday, June 27, 2013

pondering on sadness and mockery and why do people have to be so cruel

I'd like a do-over for today..or this week...this month even...heck, maybe even the past three years?

My mind is a muddled mess of insecurities and a slight that happened recently that may or may not have been perceived and all in my head. That written out, do you ever get the feeling that you would be better off not interacting with people? That the self that you are is so wholly misunderstood that you feel you have to defend the you that you are constantly? I've been feeling that way a lot lately and I know part of it is perception on my part and I want to own that but a lot of it is others perceptions of me. I'm not you, I'm me, and all of those little bits and pieces that fit together to create the finished me shaped me in so many ways. Those little pieces are what make me unique. They make YOU unique. They make US unique. So why is it that we of small differences feel so largely ignored?

Like a skipping record I find myself pondering over this parrotted thought. If the me that I am bothers you, why bother with me at all? Why set me up for liking you only to mock me from behind? Does it make you feel better to make fun of those who aren't like you?

I'm feeling cranky and snarky and so very tired for being misunderstood but what can I do? As much as I try to be different or some other me I always default back to the simple me.

I don't mean to sound all cryptic and I know I am typing in generalizations but over the years I have struggled with so, so, so many people flinging accusations my way that I end up fearing they are correct and I AM a horrible, awful sort of person. Deep down I know they are wrong. They are. But why do I attract this type? Is it because I don't feel I deserve good people in my life? Am I like the sad and insecure girl who dates the wrong guys over and over again? It boggles my mind and makes me teary weepy more often than not.


I'm tired and sad. I wish people could be more kind and understand that once the words and/or actions you say/display have been said and done, there is no going back. You can't take them back. You might pretend you never said them but you did. I heard you. I saw you. I hurt because of you and you can't take it back. You might think you can but you can't.

If anything, I have learned to be more careful in my reactions and spoken words. React, think on it, muddle it through, then respond. Don't ever say anything hateful or mean. You can't take it back and it's an action that festers and grows and grows and festers.

I want to stress this idea of kindness. Of understanding that while we are all the same, we are also very different. We have had different life experiences that have made us stronger or weaker or kinder or meaner. Once we have the grace to understand that perhaps we can change.

I hope so.


  1. I truly hate it when people look at my actions and then ascribe the worst possible intentions behind them. Instead of assuming (as is almost always the case) that my actions went awry due to a simple mistake or lack of attention or something, they assume that I set out to cause chaos or pain. Nothing gets me more irritated than that. I feel your pain.

    1. Exactly, Liza! I am baffled and frustrated beyond belief that a person could think I would ever intentionally be mean. That and the fact that an adult would actually behave in a very juvenile way rather than ask me my intention. I tend to freak people out when I ask point blank of they meant to be mean or snarky or angry. I never know really how to read people so sometimes I have to ask.

      I feel you too! Sheesh...people...sigh.

  2. I really get where you are coming from with this. People sometimes say the most hurtful things, sometimes without even meaning to. I know I have done so in my life, and not just the times I figured it out later.

    I try to live my life with love as my motivation. If I am having a really crappy day, or I am out and about feeling a lot of anxiety, I like to look about at all the people wandering at the super market, at the library, wherever. I think to myself that these people are someone's loved ones, someone's children, and that even though they are scowling or grumpy too, they deserve love and understanding as much as I think I do. So when people say really inappropriate or mean things, I try to remember that they are at their core loving beings who are just really self centered and not able to see the big picture. Like you are saying, we are all the same.

    It sucks that we are bombarded with words that hurt and attitudes that sting. You are great just as you are, and I hope you know it.

    1. Oh Melissa, I am so happy o read I am not the only person who ponders the stories behind other peoples actions!

      I do hope we are all loving beings at our core. I just wish we all realized that we're trying and we all hurt sometimes. Thank you!

  3. Anonymous10:01 AM

    Okay, look: You must be awesome because I am in the process of losing my house, and I was thinking the other day that to brighten up my new apartment (once I get it) I will visit your etsy shop. And that cheered me up. Thanks for this blog and thanks for your shop.

    1. Oh Sara, thank you! I am sorely sorry to read of your home woes and I hope you get the niftiest of living spaces possible. We a-go-gos are moving again soon to a larger yet much smaller space all at the same time. I would be delighted to send you a happy garland for your new digs. gmail me yer address once you have it and I'll make you a bit of whimsy!

  4. Some people can't help taking things wrong, they might have a chemical imbalance. I had a friend years ago who was Borderline Personality and she on occasion would take the most innocuous things I said so personally, then lash out because she felt hurt. No amount of explaining that my intentions and my words were never meant AT her much less against her would stop her insecurities. Sometimes you have to know that you know you didn't do anything wrong and that you are a good person, and that is enough for you even if the other person refuses to see that.