I'd like a do-over for today..or this week...this month even...heck, maybe even the past three years?
My mind is a muddled mess of insecurities and a slight that happened recently that may or may not have been perceived and all in my head. That written out, do you ever get the feeling that you would be better off not interacting with people? That the self that you are is so wholly misunderstood that you feel you have to defend the you that you are constantly? I've been feeling that way a lot lately and I know part of it is perception on my part and I want to own that but a lot of it is others perceptions of me. I'm not you, I'm me, and all of those little bits and pieces that fit together to create the finished me shaped me in so many ways. Those little pieces are what make me unique. They make YOU unique. They make US unique. So why is it that we of small differences feel so largely ignored?
Like a skipping record I find myself pondering over this parrotted thought. If the me that I am bothers you, why bother with me at all? Why set me up for liking you only to mock me from behind? Does it make you feel better to make fun of those who aren't like you?
I'm feeling cranky and snarky and so very tired for being misunderstood but what can I do? As much as I try to be different or some other me I always default back to the simple me.
I don't mean to sound all cryptic and I know I am typing in generalizations but over the years I have struggled with so, so, so many people flinging accusations my way that I end up fearing they are correct and I AM a horrible, awful sort of person. Deep down I know they are wrong. They are. But why do I attract this type? Is it because I don't feel I deserve good people in my life? Am I like the sad and insecure girl who dates the wrong guys over and over again? It boggles my mind and makes me teary weepy more often than not.
I'm tired and sad. I wish people could be more kind and understand that once the words and/or actions you say/display have been said and done, there is no going back. You can't take them back. You might pretend you never said them but you did. I heard you. I saw you. I hurt because of you and you can't take it back. You might think you can but you can't.
If anything, I have learned to be more careful in my reactions and spoken words. React, think on it, muddle it through, then respond. Don't ever say anything hateful or mean. You can't take it back and it's an action that festers and grows and grows and festers.
I want to stress this idea of kindness. Of understanding that while we are all the same, we are also very different. We have had different life experiences that have made us stronger or weaker or kinder or meaner. Once we have the grace to understand that perhaps we can change.
I hope so.