Friday, January 25, 2013

i want shiny hair (and less chins) aka the first rant of the year

**a return to the confessional....

Oh how I lurve this world wide web. I love it. I do. Sometimes however, more times than I should admit, I find that I do not like it so much if only for the way all that fabulosuness out there makes me feel. I am often inspired, quite often inspired...mostly inspired at least when it comes to recipes and crafts and diys and pretty things. It is the fashion posts that make me shrink in confidence and I wonder what happened to me?

Really. What happened?

see? no shine.

There are an incredible number of beautiful women out there blogging their stylish selves to the moon and back. Truly gorgeous. They have shiny hair, I have never had shiny hair. They have straight white teeth...me? Not so much. They look fantastic in tights or knee socks, in cowl necks and v-necks, kitten heels and lumberjack boots. They take their own photos and are in focus. Glowing focus with a secret smile on their faces and they look so casual and unposed in their perfection.

When I take a fashion shot of myself, really something like thirty shots, I look like a bad 80s catalog model all stiff with Spiderman wrists. I try making silly faces before the timer goes off. I think serious face, puckered mouth, sunshiney smile and I try but end up looking like a madball.

alluring..no?

Remember madballs? Maybe that is my problem. I'm old. And fat. Sure, I have great skin and a right dandy personality (so I have bee told) but I also have a waist size that used to be my bust size. I have a neck that crinkles. It crinkles, people! And my quirky outie belly button of yore is now an...innie. Gasp!  If I look down, even partially so, like I do when I read, or tippy-type on the keyboard, my face...and neck get lost in the uninvited guests of my chins. Plural. Yeah, I said it. I have CHINS. A serious case of the CHINS. I get so caught up in this dilema of mine that I've taken to stretching my head up and jutting my chin out you know, to camouflage the whole mess...I do it especially if I want to appear beguiling to the mister, sometimes I might even casually rest my hand somewhere under the whole mess thinking I can pull of a sultry Meryl Streep (seriously, Merly Streep? I AM old and she is too but she is stunning. STUNNING). All this accomplishes is a confused mister asking me if I am okay and why do I have that funny look on my face.

a laughng smile, wonky but me

I laugh about it. I do. A lot. Laughing is good, it makes one appear engaged and happy and dare I write it...sexy. Mister gets quite unhappy with me when I peevishly get all wrapped up in my imaginery non-looks. I wouldn't mind this fat dealio except I feel all ugly in the face (and no I am not trying for some ego boosting, I'm thinking of sharing this weakness in myself because I am certain there has to be a club of other like minded, like bodied ladies in search of a coffee kvetch. I really hope there is and I wana be a part of it and if there isn't, I say let's start one) and when I look at "plus" size models I wonder "why are they all so freaking gorgeous?" and really...they are not at all PLUS. Sniff. I think...who cares if yer fat when yer pretty and I have to honestly say I have never felt pretty. Never. Cute, I think I have mustered cute. When I was thin...from behind I was considered hot, from the front I was called dog-face (yes, really) and well, when a girl hears that enough she kinda carries it around with her and it is a stupid heavy load to carry. I need to put it down already.

Why do we do that? Carry around the crap that people feed us but doubt and disbelieve the nice things people say? I do this and it drives many folk around me nuts and all I can say is that I feel like I have had more people say unkind things than kinds things but then I get all caught up in the thought that I cannot believe the good things because then I would be bragging or big headed and if only my head were a smidge bigger, it might make my hips and ass less bulgy. Oh, and ranty rant onward, I seriously don't hate the fat (except the chins, I really don't like those buggers)...dimpled thighs aside, I'm still curvy and curves are good unless you want to wear clothes and well, society kinda dictates that we don't run around all nekkid (though nekkid dance partes at home are good as are nekkid jumping photos in national parks) and such and so I struggle. I struggle to find something, anything that will cover this large person who often misses her smaller self (a self which went AWOL back in the early 90s). Not only do I struggle for coverage but it would be nice if it both flattered the curves and made me not feel like a sloppy sad raccoon. Oh yes..and it would be nice if it stayed in place and did not ride up or slip off or creep down are cling from all the static that my doughy thighs are good at producing. Is that too much to a for?

go ahead...try it.

I would like to wear a dress and not worry that the skirt has creeped up under my bag (I carry a bag, not a purse). It has happened. It does happen. The first time it happend I was cute and 18 and wasn't at all embarrassed because hey, I had a great behind, I did. It rocked. In fact it rocked so much it didn't pass the pencil test. The boobs did, they were once perky and yes, the behind was as well but golly it could hold a pencil. What. Did you never try the pencil test...there? Well...um....nevermind that.

I would also like a pair of jeans that didn't slip off when I sat or squatted. Waists are either too high or too low. In the rare cases they do fit their pockets are usually sick with glitter or rhinestones. Bedazzled to an inch of their lives or they have distressing that makes it look like I participated in a sexy car wash ...with bleach. What's up with all that? On our BIG ROAD TRIP, I was so fed up with ill-fitting jeans, shorts and the like that I purchased a pair of shorts (which maybe were labled culottes, I cringe) that had an elastic waist. ELASTIC WAIST.

I am old.

see? patchy. patchy.

So...I love this world wide web. I do. But I would really like to return to my fashionista roots as I had them. BIG time. I'm good at clothes for other people not so much for myself. My closet looks pretty good and my imagination has paired up some lovely ensembles but when I put them on, I fall to the floor in defeat and return to my old-too-big-for-me patchy patched jeans, a tank top, maybe a genie bra*, and an eight dollar grey t-shirt from Target...crew neck because v-necks are icky and why, oh why are v-necks the only necklines in the store and why, oh why can I only find skinny jeans. Skinny jeans, really? But hey, if they fit and don't slip off, I will wear them....at hme, not in pictures. In fact, I picked up a pair of the skinnies that have tiny white polka dots all over them (I do love a polka dot) and they are on the dresser with tags still attached but I think it is passed the return-by date.  In my head I see them on me slightly cuffed, with crazy clunky white nursing shoes (a want), a long sleeved pale grey tissue-t, a dozen colorful skinny beaded necklaces, funky plaid old man vest, chunky watch (hee-hee...chunky),  and dark grey messenger bag.

It is time for a coffee kvetch. How does one set something like that up? 

23 comments:

  1. You know what? No matter what size we are, no matter how curvy or un-curvy we are, I think we ALL share the same rant about jeans that don't fit! I swear, I spend more money on jeans than any other article of clothing, and they nearly always disappoint after a washing or even the first wearing. Nearly ALWAYS. This has only been a problem for me since the dawn of low-rise and lycra in the 1990s...

    I'm going for elastic waists in everything I am sewing right now. And you know what? I'm becoming a fan. Because no matter what - they fit. Even if I ate a little too much dinner last night :)

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    1. Oh wow, yer sewing now? Whoo-hoo! Seriously, what happened to the days when we had to shrink our jeans to fit? They always worked. I now have a pile of jeans that kinda sorta fit and I am afraid of throwing them away in case i cannot find anything better. sigh.

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    2. I'm taking a sewing class... so far haven't progressed beyond elastic-waisted things but I'm okay with that because they are so darned comfortable!

      As for the shrink-to-fits - Levi's still makes them, but they aren't the same. Since shifting production to China the fabric has totally changed and they just feel cheap to me. I'm exploring Japanese denim right now, like the Gap jeans that I posted on Pinterest, which are among the least expensive options. So far I've been pretty pleased, but the jeans haven't seen the washing machine yet. To be continued... :)

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  2. My derriere is so scrum-diddly-umptuous that no jeans can accommodate it. Skinny jeans? Out. Regular jeans? Located somewhere over the rainbow, fiercely guarded by the Anti-Pear-Shape Leprechaun. Which is a thing, I'm convinced. So I have to buy enormous pants that can contain the Lovely Lady Lumps (in the back and in the front!) and bring them back in with belts. (Don't get me started on belts).

    Though honestly, I know skinny people, and they honestly feel the same way about themselves as I do. I've thought about taking up long-distance running and rabbit food to became a pixie, but I'd just inherit a new set of problems.

    If you had perfect teeth, you'd start worrying about, I don't know, your ears or your nose. If you were skinny, you'd still have the same life, except a slightly different set of Skinny Person Problems. (Those are mysterious, but I think they exist.)

    So screw it all -- let's see some fashion!

    xoxo,
    Leah / Starling!

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    1. Oh Leah, I think you know exactly what I am talking about! I was trying to get across that we are who we are and we should embrace it. I totally know how no matter who we are we tend to be hard on ourselves. I was hoping to let my freak flag out and have a good laugh. But really, why is everyone online so darn pretty? ;)

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  3. I was going to say 'what she said', but then I looked at the photos again, and I'm confused. I've realised that's you in the jeans and I'm struggling to match the words to the pictures. I do understand it's how you feel, not how you look that counts, so I don't think I can help with that, other than to say you look mighty fine to me, and yes, let's see some clothes!! :) xx

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    1. Ahh...freckleface. The photos are there simply to illiustrate how dorky I am. They were an attmept to add humor to the post. Methinks it was an epic fail. If I could pull off any lovely outfit, I would totally share it here! Cheers! :)

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  4. I've had decent luck with Levi's Curve ID jeans so far.
    http://us.levi.com/quiz/index.jsp

    Mostly I just like to wear skirts, though. Finding jeans that fit is worse than finding a swimsuit in my opinion!

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    1. Hi Rox! Aack! Don't even get me started o nswimsuits though I am beginning to think I should just say screw it and hit the nekkid beach instead. I've tried Levi's Curve before but I'm nto sure if they had ID on the tag, will look for some and try, try again. Thanks or the tip!

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  5. One time in Jr. High a kid called me a "butter face" and, even though I knew what it meant (because he was kind enough to explain to me..at length) I took it as a compliment. Looking back I'm not sure if it's hilarious or pathetic that in my mind I was all "So wait...what you're saying is my body is ok? It's just my face that sucks? OMG, SOMETHING ABOUT ME IS ACCEPTABLE LOOKING"

    I am another one who just wears skirts. I have a big butt. It doesn't matter if I am underweight or overweight my behind is still big. It just looks more out of proportion when I weigh less. Back when I was wearing jeans this meant if they fit my backside they gapped at the waist. So annoying. Skirts are awesome- if they fit in the waist you are usually golden. (I used to work with kiddos- long skirts work best when you are doing a lot of crouching to get eye contact with littles or tie shoes or what have you.)

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    1. heehee...I get it! I had a gret body but a dog face. Oy! I need more skirts. I have ot wear leggings under skirts or bike short otherwise it is chafe city! tights never fit wither...the crotch just slips down and i end up all a waddling! i have a pair of some kind of exercise pant that is lightwieght and quick dry. they are black and cropped and kinda stylish. perfect for a summer day at the preschool!

      I have the gap too. my waist is smaller than average in contrast to the butt and thighs so if I want my jeans to fit my derriere my waist loses out and man, I hate belts!

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  6. I can totally relate! I hate taking wardrobe pix of myself! But after doing it for awhile now, I'm starting to get used to seeing myself all imperfect, and sometimes I even thing I look pretty good! As long as I don't stand too close the the bright light of my window, cause then I can see my turkey neck and sagging cheeks! :)

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    1. Do you use a timer? How do you pose without looking wooden? I always think okay that ws good and then i see it and one eye is closed and i'm all hunched over or completely rigid like a mannequin. Oy, how we change! ;)

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    2. I have a timer on my camera, and I have learned to use pretty much the same pose and smile every time, to avoid weird smiles. But I still end up taking a lot of shots, before I get one I like. I try not to stand too straight so I don't look stiff, and I tilt my head down a little too. :)

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  7. I was going to say the same thing as Rox - Levi's Curve Id are the first jeans that really fit.
    I think it sucks that so many of us just aren't happy with who we are. I'm concerned thin but I'm still not happy with my body - no boobs and big hips. In my eyes that's all I see but I know people out there aren't as hard on us as we are. And those other bloggers with perfect photos annoy me too :)

    Oh, and I like your shorter hair

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    1. so true. we al play the comparing game. sigh. i actually feel fine about my body utnil i'm try on clothes that i really like. then it all hits the fan! ;)

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  8. I feel just this way, too; just a tad the wrong side of forty, and I have more than enough chins,and now there's this new tire around the middle that never used to be there...if I could find the clothes I think would do well on me, I'd wear them, but that's not what's in the store, is it? Maybe I'm supposed to be shopping in the old lady section of Macy's now, which is where I found pants with a reasonable hip/waist ratio, finally. Oh my, I guess you could say I hear ya, sister.

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    1. maybe us old ladies have it right. we just need ot find stylish elastic pants. ;)

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  9. jek! stop already! you aren't old! i just turned 60, and i don't consider myself old! you have beautiful skin and are adorable. i see no other necks on you, lady. you look lik eyou are in your twenties. i use that argyn or whatever it is oil with my hair product (that stuff you spray on which is like called 10 mulitiple uses or something) and i have shiny hair. i just woke up about feeling attractive. i have felt completely unattractive all through my fifties. suddenly, i am alive! and full of passion. i'm a vixen =) so are you!! xoxox

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  10. of course that all came from sweet love in my heart xx

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  11. also-v necks are really flattering and i started wearing more of them and they looked so much better on me. and fat? girl i'm 315 down from 380. i still have another 100 to go but i feel good about my body. you are small. we need to have our picture taken side by side, and you can put it on your fridge. then you can look at it every day and see how small you are. and i wear elastic jeggings. i wear elastic skirts. because it hurts my belly when i wear zippers. and i don't care! i am still stylish. i am me. you are you. you are one of the most adorable girls i know <3

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    1. Hi Deb! Hi! I think I had an entire imaginary conversation with you. I did!

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  12. I just recently started reading your blog, and I think you're fab! I'd trade my skinny and fake shinny hair any day for your talent and whit. Ahhhh, the grass is always greener. I'd much rather be the most interesting person than the most pretty. Those fashion blogs are a dime a dozen and I get so bored! You, I have found are never boring! Thanks for blogging and being actually inspiring!!!

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