Wednesday, December 26, 2012

the day after christmas

I had tremendously unpleasant dreams last night. All. night. long. Dreams where I needed to hide myself or hide a son I did not have from a very bad bad person who came to kill on Tuesday evenings. In the dream it was a given that could not be thwarted and so I tried to create an illusion of no child being in the room with no actual place for hiding. It was a horrid, horrid, dream and almost impossible to wake up from. How odd on the eve of Boxing Day to carry such tremendous woe.

I don't know what was up. Christmas day spent with family was joyful and quiet with a lot less fanfare than usual (in a good sense). Perhaps we were all still reeling from the various sick that seemed to wallop us all but our day was spent in good company with more cheese, more noshing, more sweets than we took notice of. There were many rounds of exquisite corpse, this time with both words and drawings, there was hot apple cider and vernor's and foam darts flying overhead and underfeet and much, much, laughter with maybe a grump tossed in to keep it real.

My nose, thanks to another round of meds, was in tip-top working order and so I was able to smell the piney pretty of the Christmas tree, the spicy happy of the nutmeg in my egg nog (which was then added to my coffee), the richness of the breakfast quiche and the crispness of the cold air outside with a highnote of log fire. The nephew a-go-go was a hoot with his excitement in the odd bits and pieces that were gifted to him and everyone spilled over with giggles and sighs. I laughed many times and yet I felt overwhelmingly sad and I do not know why. I can speculate, sure but it was odd and disconcerting to feel my eyes well up suddenly and for no reason and to catch my breath and shake it off. So, so, disconcerting and odd. I spoke out about it and the mama a-go-go said she felt melancholy as well and then the sister a-go-go said Christmas makes her fel blue too and we sat there all quietly, a little confused, a little humbled, a little closer to ech other than before.

And then we went back to our exquisite corpses full of funny drawings and flying donuts and the nephew's propensity for turning our silly sentences into a scene with an alien or robot in it.

The evening ended with a rainstorm and yet another round of cleaning up the ants that have invaded the tiny casa.

The rain has retreated a bit and another round of ants has been dealt with and I am huddled in the chilly casa under a thrited quilt waiting for some sun, warmth or light to filter in so I can clean up the messy mess. Happy boxing day!

6 comments:

  1. You're not alone. I don't know what it is about THIS year, but I've been hearing from so many others (including strangers) how hard this Christmas has been. Myself, my siblings, my husband, and my closest cousin have all been super sensitive and teary this season. We lost my mother three years ago shortly after Christmas, but for whatever reason this year has been the absolute hardest! So...here's a great big wish for a much happier 2013 for everyone!

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    1. I have never really felt the blues of Christmas...other than the loss of my mother so close to the holiday but how interesting it is to know other people feel this way. Unaware teariness is mysterious. Wishing you a fantastic 2013 as well. Thank you!

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  2. I have had these feelings for so long about Christmas - and have never really been able to explain why. I come up with reasons why the holiday is hard for me - but I don't think they are really the reasons. I think I have had this going on for so long - that I may be learning how to deal with it this year. I caught myself getting caught up in the mood you described - and I simply had a little converstion with myself (silently of course) . . . actually I let myself have it pretty good. For me . . . I have to let go of expectations of what I think the holiday should be - not just for my family and in my home - but with everything - everyone - everywhere. Then I really scolded myself . . . I know what the season is really about and I made myself focus on that instead of what our society has turned this holiday into. I don't know if I am even explaining myself . . . I just know that this year - I stopped myself by making an effort to talk myself out of it. How dare I - because life is too short for me to worry and stress, and feel sorry for myself. Life is too short not to enjoy the people around us (even if they sometimes make us crazy). And let's face it - life can be really hard (I figure we have to enjoy it even when things aren't perfect) . . . because chances are life is going to throw you something down the road that will be a realy challenge. And life can change in an instant . . . We all saw how true that is in the news this past couple of weeks. Excuse my rambling . . . again you touched on something that hit home with me. I hope your holiday blues are behind you. If not - throw back your shoulders, put a smile on your face - and hit someone with an act of kindness. They say the best way to make yourself feel better is to make someone else feel better. Bless you!

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    1. Oh Clare, thank you! I too have conversations..many conversations with myself. Life is so very short and fleeting. We must move through with purpose and mirth. Happy 2013.

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  3. Hi there,I don't know much about the seasons where you live and you talk of rain and ants and I'm sure it is SO different to here in England but all around the world at this time of year,folk are celebrating with festivals of light. Here we have just had the shortest day, at winter solstice, the mornings are dark for so long and the evenings come so quickly. We have to dig really deep within us to find our inner light at this time of year..my home is filled with candles, and fairy lights, in a desperate attempt to create a twinkle at least in these dark days. What I'm trying to say..is I know how you feel, and many others besides do too. This time begs reflection and searching inside to find the light and hope to see you through the 'darker' days in whatever form they come. x

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    1. Hi Julie! Yesterday I was just lamenting the ick of the darker days. I used to love, love, love the cozy darkness but now it makes me feel trapped and cold and fuddled. I like what you write about finding the inner light. Inner light is true and I'm going to focus on that. Thank you Julie, I hope the lst few days of 2012 have you embracing those tiny bits of extra light andthat 2013 is most dazzling!

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