this meme of sorts yet? I'm a bit conflicted about it all. I think it is great that there is now a big conversation going on about authenticity but also irked that the big time bloggers have picked it up as I like to think that this whole blogging authentically is for us not so big time bloggers. Does that make sense?
You've heard it all before how I get ranty and whiney about not being a pretty blogger (pretty meaning popular, not looky looky though that is often times questionable as well). About how I really wanna be up there in the big leagues and have folk wanna sponsor me and all that jazz but I fear it's not in the cards for me as I'm a non-knitting, non-home owning, infertile broke blogger who is also a bit on the chubby side (ok fine...fat). Eegads, I hope you read this with my voice in place...a smidge sarcastic with a chuckle and an eyeroll thrown in both at myself and the hullabaloo.
I do appreciate the big-wigs dialoguing about this as it is important and well, I am a fan of the big wigs as well, even if they probably wouldn't pick me to be on their volleyball team (softball, soccer...it's all the same which by-the-way, I probably wouldn't pick me as I'm not exactly the most sporty but I do make up for it with team spirit and penmanship*.) I really do applaud the big steps these wonderful bloggers are taking in their approach to authenticity. It is important and it adds community to the mix. I'm all about community.
Buuuuuut I also feel like Hey, that's my thing, my niche, I've been doing it from the get-go...
Sigh. I can't seem to find my footing, even after a decade of blogging I'm still behind even when I'm ahead and I've been working really hard on being okay with that. See, I never sat back to think about what I wanted to be when I grew up. I don't know why I never did that, I have an idea (it involves growing up with a depressed parent compounded with a crippling self-esteem that is also peppered with bouts of an inflated ego) but I do know that now my adulthood is in full bloom, which has me scrambling to still figure out. So many ships have sailed and I feel like my options are smaller than small. One of those options seemed like it could work and that was writing/blogging but it isn't and I only kinda sorta have an idea as to why. I'm afraid that I kinda suck at being an adult and that everyone else knows it but me. I'm afraid that my ranty rants and questions only make me look desperate and bitter thus chasing away opportunities be they work or friend related. Even writing that last sentence out has me worried I'm bumbling things up.
It's like a catch 22. The big time bloggers have nothing to lose by admitting their fears (that said, click on the link up there and have a read, it is all very interesting and does make you feel closer. It was nice to get a more realistic idea of how other bloggers feel and it was nice to know that they really are not that different than I am). It will only bring them closer to their readers; but us small time bloggers have much to lose as any readership we're trying to build may click away to another blog once we expose too much of ourselves. I've always put myself out there and lately I've realized that this is indeed my niche. I don't have a monopoly on it, not at all but it is where I think I am authentic. Sure I craft, I cook, I bake and I write all about it, I take decent photos and know a few bigger bloggers but ultimately, I'm the girl who bares it all. The wallflower who wants to dance, the pen-pal who wants pen-pals and the grow-up who still feels like an awkward seventh grader. I'm the girl who has lived a very full life even without home owning and children. I'm the girl who gets thank you emails and hate you emails from her readers every once in awhile and that's okay, good even. I'm just me, jek in the box who is ever so slowly inching her way out of said box...ranty rants, eegads, yikes and all. I sincerely hope you don't click away and that someday you'll give me a shout out, you never know, we could be the best of friends (how are yer jumping skills?).
*did I ever tell you about the junior high flag football dealio and the penmanship quote? I'll have to get to that someday...soon.