Tuesday, July 10, 2012

things i'm afraid to tell you...

 Have you happened upon this meme of sorts yet? I'm a bit conflicted about it all. I think it is great that there is now a big conversation going on about authenticity but also irked that the big time bloggers have picked it up as I like to think that this whole blogging authentically is for us not so big time bloggers. Does that make sense?

You've heard it all before how I get ranty and whiney about not being a pretty blogger (pretty meaning popular, not looky looky though that is often times questionable as well). About how I really wanna be up there in the big leagues and have folk wanna sponsor me and all that jazz but I fear it's not in the cards for me as I'm a non-knitting, non-home owning, infertile broke blogger who is also a bit on the chubby side (ok fine...fat). Eegads, I hope you read this with my voice in place...a smidge sarcastic with a chuckle and an eyeroll thrown in both at myself and the hullabaloo.

I do appreciate the big-wigs dialoguing about this as it is important and well, I am a fan of the big wigs as well, even if they probably wouldn't pick me to be on their volleyball team (softball, soccer...it's all the same which by-the-way, I probably wouldn't pick me as I'm not exactly the most sporty but I do make up for it with team spirit and penmanship*.) I really do applaud the big steps these wonderful bloggers are taking in their approach to authenticity. It is important and it adds community to the mix. I'm all about community.

Buuuuuut I also feel like Hey, that's my thing, my niche, I've been doing it from the get-go...

 Sigh. I can't seem to find my footing, even after a decade of blogging I'm still behind even when I'm ahead and I've been working really hard on being okay with that. See, I never sat back to think about what I wanted to be when I grew up. I don't know why I never did that, I have an idea (it involves growing up with a depressed parent compounded with a crippling self-esteem that is also peppered with bouts of an inflated ego) but I do know that now my adulthood is in full bloom, which has me  scrambling to still figure out. So many ships have sailed and I feel like my options are smaller than small. One of those options seemed like it could work and that was writing/blogging but it isn't and I only kinda sorta have an idea as to why. I'm afraid that I kinda suck at being an adult and that everyone else knows it but me. I'm afraid that my ranty rants and questions only make me look desperate and bitter thus chasing away opportunities be they work or friend related. Even writing that last sentence out has me worried I'm bumbling things up.

It's like a catch 22. The big time bloggers have nothing to lose by admitting their fears (that said, click on the link up there and have a read, it is all very interesting and does make you feel closer. It was nice to get a more realistic idea of how other bloggers feel and it was nice to know that they really are not that different than I am). It will only bring them closer to their readers; but us small time bloggers have much to lose as any readership we're trying to build may click away to another blog once we expose too much of ourselves. I've always put myself out there and lately I've realized that this is indeed my niche. I don't have a monopoly on it, not at all but it is where I think I am authentic. Sure I craft, I cook, I bake and I write all about it, I take decent photos and know a few bigger bloggers but ultimately, I'm the girl who bares it all. The wallflower who wants to dance, the pen-pal who wants pen-pals and the grow-up who still feels like an awkward seventh grader. I'm the girl who has lived a very full life even without home owning and children. I'm the girl who gets thank you emails and hate you emails from her readers every once in awhile and that's okay, good even. I'm just me, jek in the box who is ever so slowly inching her way out of said box...ranty rants, eegads, yikes and all. I sincerely hope you don't click away and that someday you'll give me a shout out, you never know, we could be the best of friends (how are yer jumping skills?).

*did I ever tell you about the junior high flag football dealio and the penmanship quote? I'll have to get to that someday...soon.


  1. i totally appreciate the things i'm afraid to tell you posts. the reminder that their houses may be the same messy mess just beyond the frame that mine is was nice.

    HOWEVER, you were doing it first. anytime i've told someone about your blog that's been why. you are just so honest. all the time. i love that.

  2. Well at least you are out there. I have only just managed to start my blog after years of being a wallflower.

  3. i still maintain that 'nekkid memoir' is your niche.
    (the niche that will become a BOOK.)
    your life has been as colorful as your photos, and you're all about the sharing: share more of your it's-so-amazing-it-seems-fictional BACKSTORY. lay it out there. without self-commentary. (just wear the concert t-shirt, without hoping the cool kids will notice and ask you to make them a mix-tape.)
    check this out:
    eegads I lurve you (yikes)

  4. Well I love your ranty rants.....and your glasses by the way!...there's nothing better than sitting in your little garret creating stuff and chuntering away!

  5. I love your ranty rants too. You never seem desperate, just real. I don't think I've ever commented to say that I love your blog, so I'm doing it now. :)

  6. I've never heard you speak, but I feel like I read that in your voice! If I were grading you with 6 trait writing, your "voice" would definitely be your strongest trait. :) I just wanted to say hi, and that I enjoy reading your blog!

  7. Anonymous5:37 AM

    Well, I've never seen this meme OR any of the blogs that participated in it, so what does that say about me?

    I'd like to think that I only read THE coolest under-the-radar blogs. GRIN.

    Yes, please tell all about your penmanship. I do adore handwritten things.

    Have a lovely day! - Kim

  8. I always thought of you as one of the big time bloggers :) And it's funny, I feel like maybe I'm missing something but I haven't heard of most of the big time bloggers listed on the other site.
    Keep up your unique ideas, I wish I could be as adventurous in by crafting.
    Thanks for being you and making this world more interesting.

  9. I love your you-ness!
    And I really feel that if we were geographically closer, there would be ample gatherings for tea & cakes.
    Every time I make cake-batter cookies my kids refer to them as "jessica-style" cookies.
    And I have found that letting my freak-flag fly has been the most liberating thing I could ever do. (I'm not "normal", I don't do television or sports or fashion. I love books and Dr Who and art supplies)

  10. I've always thought of you as a wonderful, personable, realistic blogger who I admire and look forward to reading.
    You being a wonderful and interesting voice to the blogging community and I thank you for it.
    I met you once in person and we chat on FB and I have to say, sometimes I think of you as a friend and love sharing your blog. I can't say the same for the "bigtime bloggers" and that's ok.
    You're real and awesome. Thank you for being you! :)

  11. I adore you for being you and that's what keeps me coming back. So thank you for what you do and I hope that you continue to do so!

  12. Girl, I hear ya! I love you & I love everything you share. You are amazing & smart & beautiful. You don't have to be anything but you. I have been reading up on blogging strategies, and most important of all is to be authentic & uniquely you! You've got that part covered so you are more than halfway there.

  13. I keep reading your posts and thinking to comment, but don't for some reason. I really should. I read your posts and definitely feel like we could be friends. I just wish you didn't live on the opposite coast so we could meet & hang out in person. (See? It's stuff like that that I'M afraid to tell people for fear it will sound a bit creepy!)
    I think more people think of themselves as "unpopular" than we realize. The funny thing is, I do consider you a "pretty blogger"...in both senses. And your reality (whineyness and all) is refreshing and relatable. I read the line "I'm a non-knitting, non-home owning, infertile broke blogger who is also a bit on the chubby side (ok fine...fat)" and besides the homeowner thing, I feel like you are describing me! I admire the depth and honesty with which you write...something that I am often afraid to do on my own blog.
    So...keep it up! You inspire more people than you realize!

  14. Just reading your blog (backwards, as I haven't been bloggy for a long time)...I still lurve you, you're tops with me.
    I cleaned out my craft room at my ex-husband's house last month, and I found a box addressed to you...letters never sent :(
    Big love xx