and so i sat in the pre-7am light, looking at the grey sky, hoping for rain. I bundled up in the couch quilt with my morning yogurt and felt an inward reflection. i wasn't feeling sad, just melancholy. and i thought about the person i was/am versus the person i want to be. and then i got teary as my heart felt tired and broke down. and i thought of three things.
there are three things that truly make me feel heartache. three things that broke my heart.
*the death of my mother. i was 28 years old when she died. she was 58 and just, just, just stepping out of the darkness that trapped her or twenty-five plus years. she never got to find the community that the internet could have given her. she never fully felt loved and unalone. she was absolutely the most creative person i have ever known. it fills me, over fills me really that she did not get to meet the mister and his family. i believe she would have found a heart-home in them.
*my infertility. it simply kills me with heartache. i feel undefined as a childless person and oftentimes invisible. i feel that all my education regarding young children is not valid to people with children. that i actually know nothing and yet i know. i know.
*i stopped dancing. i loved dancing. loved it. every song i hear fills my head with movement and steps. every beat that tags me has me turning and stepping and sweeping m arms. i stopped dancing and i only halfway know why. i was young, i was foolishly involved with an abusive partner who's damage still lingers like a cloudy aura blocking out other colors. i tried to return. i was later involved with another partner who encouraged me to dance. i enrolled in a class and it was a disaster. the instructor was awful and the students, dance majors were clicky and unkind. i fled from that first class and sat in my car sobbing at the ridiculous notion that i could dance. i never returned to dance. i may point my toes and twirl a round or two in the safety of the tiny casa (only when i am alone though, i won't even do it in front of the mister) and i watch old movies, new movies, youtube videos and television shows. the watching at once makes me catch my breath and tear up in the moment full of joy and then later, when i am alone, i tear up all over again thinking of the road not traveled.
there are three things that make my heart weep. three things...profound. two out of my control, one fully in my control and i'm trying to brave it up make friends with it and to try again in the smallest of small steps.