Monday, April 02, 2012

wishy-washy aka I took over fifty pictures of this face and only one came out halfway decent...

I should have just bought a t-shirt instead.

Sometimes, I imagine that if you were to look up the word contradiction in the dictionary (they still have those, right?) you might see a picture of me. I always feel like I am at odds with myself. I do not do well in social situations and prefer to hide out at home where I am safe from awkward moments and yet when I am at home and safe from awkward moments I feel a smidge bored and a whole lotta forgettable. But when I am out and talking to people I have a constant dialogue in my head mostly made up of the words "stop talking, stop talking, STOP TALKING!" And I say that in relation to the blather my mouth is spewing forth. Yeesh!

I want to be liked but am too afraid of being stupid so I hide out and yet I speak up and out against things I think are unfair or unjust. I have little patience for what I imagine is stupidity but I am not exempt form doing and thinking stupid things.

I tend to lean towards the idea that my way is right or better or easier and yet I am always fearful of doing everything wrong. I already know that if we were to arrange four boxes of people doing the same thing whilst playing this song, I would be the thing that was not like the others.

I am not a fan of my face and don't say but I like your face, this is me, blathering on about um..me and I'm not a fan of my face...especially right now since I seem to have found that weight I recently lost. It has camped itself out on my face (among other areas). Though, on the oft chance of taking a stellar picture of said face (one where the chins are nicely cropped out) I will post it here to tomorrow. But if there is one thing that will bum me out more than the non-working sniffer it is looking at and searching for one single good picture of THE face.

The other day, I decided I need a new icon picture for FB and Pinterest and blogger, et al. I bathed and moisturized and brushed everything that needed brushing. The good mirror (the only mirror actually, thank MAUDE it is a good one) showed me on the way to looking decent. I applied mascara and lavender eye powder, a smidge o' pink to tint up the cheeks and my too-young-for-me red lipstick. I stood in the good light in the living room, picked up the Rebel, aimed it at where my face should be and took a few pictures before reviewing them.

And then I cringed a cringedy-cringe as I looked at that trio of dopplegangers that could not possibly be me as I had good hair just moments before. I ran into the bathroom (the very same one I left an egg in but I will share that story later) to view the disaster only to be greeted with a decent me. I sighed, took a breath and decided to try again, this time using the powershot as it has a flip screen which is really good for making faces at the camera.
More than fifty-shots later (and two changes in eye-wear) I plugged both cameras in for some editing and felt my mood plummet down, down, down. I am well aware that my face isn't awful and that looks are not the MOST important thing. And I am well aware that it is what is inside that counts and on a good day, I think my insides hold up nicely but man oh man what a way to feel down when not one single shot looks presentable. And I took them myself! With lipstick on and cute hair as evidenced by the good and only mirror in the tiny casa. Yeesh! I must be balding or losing my photo mojo or maybe I really do need a hair-cut, I don't know. So after too-many-to-count photos that got dumped in the virtual trash I am stuck with one. One single not-so-awful photo of this mug that is mine (though I see evidence of allergies, oh droopy, droopy eyes). Am I vain or what?

In retrospect, I probably should not have attempted this whilst watching America's Next Top Model. Yeeash. I need a new hobby...or another job...or a new lipstick (one that is a leetle less red?).

17 comments:

  1. Hey Friend! Sorry I have been MIA in the comments department. Life as been a big ol' whirlwind these days. But know I'm still following along as you are one of my favorite peeps ever. And one of the peeps I most identify with, especially after reading this post.

    For what it's worth you make me feel a little less 'crazy'. I'm glad to know that there is someone else in this world that feels that same way I do sometimes. This post mada me feel like I was reading my own words. I get it.

    I'm not sure how to make you feel better about your self portrait experience. But, I will honestly say, this photo is just fabulous. And, I'm sure there are plenty of other fabulous ones in the bunch. We are often to hard on ourselves. You are beautiful!! and I love the lipstick.

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    1. Well, Michael, here's to crazy days, right? I did write this out thinking that I couldn't be the ONLY person who does this. There is so much on the internet that I love but there is also so much that is mostly smoke and mirrors and I choose to be as honest as I can even on silly self-esteem days. I think maybe I was viewing myself through damaged lenses as I can look at this and think...okay, it doesn't look half bad. Thank goodness for cropping! ;)

      Thank you friend, so grateful for this world wide web!

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  2. Unfortunately this happens to all of us my dear! Somedays we just take a bad photo or 50! I know this feeling all too well. My advice is come back another day and try again because sometimes it's lighting or even dehydration. Anyway I think the photo you got in the end is great and well worth the effort!! :D

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    1. I took your advice and you were correct! not too shabby...and I have been awful, awful at keeping myself hydrated. Makes so much sense, for reals! Thank you and Happy April!

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  3. You're never too old for red lipstick!...

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    1. thank goodness for that!

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    2. I was just going to say that. My mate Anna wears it and she'll be 70 soon, and I intend to keep on wearing mine till I kark it too!

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  4. I won't say I like your face, even though I really do! But I will say that lipstick looks great on you. Red is never "too young". Also, I don't know anyone that takes less than a million snaps to get a good profile pic!

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    1. Isn't it a great thing, to have all this digital goodness? Can you imagine if we had to stick to film? Yikes! Thank you friend, it is just dandy to hear from you!

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  5. Jeez, Jek, what I would give to have your gorgeous complexion....not a pore in sight! (and that IS a beautiful photo, so cut yerself some slack, wouldya?)

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    1. Jeez, Gail, thank you! ;)

      I am quite grateful for this skin of mine...thank goodness for sunscreen. Though I'm ready to break-up with menopause...stupid adult pimples. Happy April!

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  6. I totally get what you mean (I do like your photo, though). I know I am a decent-looking person. Maybe even cute sometimes. When I look in the mirror I almost always like what I see. But I just cannot take a good picture to save my life! I am simply not photogenic, no matter how dolled up I get and no matter how happy and adorable I feel in that moment. Ah well, even supermodels look bad in pictures sometimes. That why fashion photographers shoot so many rolls of film!

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    1. Yes, that's it! Also, it's when I leave the casa feeling decent and sometimes cute but then I see a reflection of me and I think eegads! Thank you and have a fantastic week!

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  7. I think most of us battle with the self criticism. I remember hating my photos, now looking back I see them & think dang I look great, wish I looked like that now. Cameras are evil. I think you're adorable. Hope you feel better.

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    1. I agree! Even now, looking at this pic and the few others I salvaged I am thinking they don't look so bad. Bad brain! i have a bad brain! Thank you, friend and here's to less evil cameras!

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  8. Alright, and I know you're not fishing for compliments 'cos if I thought you were I wouldn't say anything, and I know we all struggle with this--our own faces are kinda way too familiar, I think, and we just see all the teeny imperfections, but I just have to say...what are you talking about? You look adorable.

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    1. We are our own worst critics, aren't we? I like to think others see me in a more forgivable light, I hope so! It's just the pits when you feel good and try to capture it and you can't. Makes me wanna growl. Grrrrr.

      Have a fabulous April and beyond! Thank you!

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