Sunday, February 12, 2012

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 My brother is on life support. There is a long plastic hose snaking in through his mouth, down his esophagus and into his lungs. It pushes air in and moves air out causing his chest to pump erratically in time with the hnkhnkhnk of the respirator. His blood pressure cuff whirs and tightens every twenty minutes or so and it is followed by a loud announcement of beeps and chaotic shrills that make me and the mister jump each time they go off. The first time it happened I panicked. I was alone in the room and no one came rushing in to attend to the alarm. Thank goodness his nurse explained what it was when I asked. Now we can sit, prepare and wince when the familiar whir of the cuff begins to squeeze my brother's sadly swollen arm. He is sedated, but not too much. He is restless and moves with such grace it is mesmerizing. He is tall, taller than the bed wants him to be thus his legs wander and slip, slip. slip off the edges. He also is slightly defiant in his continuous quest to slip out of that bed. It could simply be the meds, the lack of movement or maybe and I do hope this is the case, he wants up and out of there. Keep it up big brother, we want you out of there as well. The curiousness of his illness is that he should be able to breathe on his own. The damage from the asthma and lung disease is not so great there is no hope. The big guess is that he pushed himself too long, too hard and this is his time to rest and recover. I hope more than my heart can bear that this is the case. They are doing a test on him this morning that began with weaning him from sedation through the night to see if he could be roused and breathe on his own. We can be there now and visit after 9am but I need to protect my now weakened crunchy coating. I'm not so crunchy right now and I've cried a lot last night. In a fit of petty whininess I want to shout out that this isn't fair. Not for him, not for me, not for our family. I lost my mother in my 20s and my granny in my 30s and I really want my 40s to be free of losing loved ones. I like to think I am too young to have had these experiences but obviously that isn't the case as they have happened.

Be strong big brother, you still need to build me a desk and paint me a picture and let me steal away some of your pottery collection. You still need to visit us up in SLO, move up there and carve your fishing lures, cook us tri-tip and dazzle the town with an awesome family-owned cheese shop. You, me and our sister need to fall into a pile and crack up over our favorite Bugs bunny Cartoons again. You and the mister need to build outsider instruments together and we all need to sit on the sofa during our weekly breakfast for dinner night and play ridiculous songs on our homemade ukes. So be strong big brother, be patient, let those who love you help you and embrace our love and adoration. You so very deserve it.

9 comments:

  1. Hi Jek, Sorry to hear about your big brother. I'm sending positive thoughts your way for his fast recovery. Take care.

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  2. Prayers and thoughts to you and your family.....<3

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  3. Praying for a speedy and full recovery for your brother and strength and comfort for you and your family. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

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  4. Your brother, you and your family are deep in my thoughts. I just went through ventilators and such with my uncle following a freak accident and a spinal cord injury. I am thinking wonderful healing thoughts and sending them LA way.

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  5. Anonymous3:14 PM

    I' am praying for your brother and your family.

    Sincerely,
    Ann

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  6. Anonymous3:17 PM

    I' am praying for your brother and your family.

    Sincerely,
    Ann

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  7. Heartbroken for you, and sending love and healing thoughts your way. I'm sure he finds comfort in your presence and is doing all he can to heal up and get back to you!

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  8. Anonymous4:21 AM

    I'm so sorry! Please hang in there. I'll be thinking positive thoughts
    xoxo
    Sara

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  9. jesse4:46 AM

    i am so sorry.i am thinking of you and your brother today. comfort and grace for your days to come...

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