Thursday, January 26, 2012
in which i ramble about Oblio, jealousy and grace...
I write this because of all the people bashing I read about on facebook posts, pinterest quotes, blog posts and the like. My first reaction is to roll my eyes, mumble something about the poster and then feel angry for a while but I need to let that go, turn it away from myself and reign in my thoughts on cultural relativism and how it can apply to any type of culture, not just ethnicity and geography. Recently a fb friend posted a comment I found super offensive, ignorant and hateful on their personal page. Being that it was their personal page, I did not jump into the fray to share my opinion though it made me sadder than sad. Mostly because this person will probably not see that their comment (and the ensuing comments after) were so hateful in their context. I also wanted to drop this person as a contact but felt that would be running away and burying my head in the sand. I can only be me and continue with my stories of my experiences and hope that those who can relate will share theirs with me as well. Think of it as working from the inside out. Model by example and don't point fingers or lecture. No person enjoys a lecture. That's not to say I don't ranty-rant away in the safety of my own home to the people in my (lovely) bubble. I do. It's all about processing and engaging in a conversation and if you are lucky, you will have friends and family who do not always agree with you, who poke sticks in yer spokes so you go flying off your happy bike, landing hard with a new perspective. The view from the ground is a little different from up on your cushy bike seat.
I had more in my head that seemed organized on this thought but it has kinda slipped a little. The nice queue that originally formed got tired of waiting and now all the points are partying at the coffee maker making me feel anxious and jittery. I've been having some sad-raccoon days for a few weeks because I have foolishly been viewing myself through the filter of comparison. I was holding myself up to all these successful bloggers and seeing all the ways I don't and will never compare and I felt a bit like Oblio with no point upon my noggin. And if I had no point, what was I worth? I know, NOT a good idea...bad raccoon! Bad raccoon! But this is the way my crazy chemical works and so I had to muck through it all and wallow in the bits of pity that followed and then write things down because I have been having horrible allergies as well and wondered if they all went hand in hand...chemicals, hormones and all that jazz. I began to think really poorly of myself and my lack of accomplishments (in comparison to the super bloggers out there) until I began to think of the things I did before this internet savvy world. I've been blogging in one way or another since 2002 friends. That is TEN years! I've been blogging for ten years. Yikes! I stated out on Diaryland and the LJ and blogged Dear Diary style...it wasn't until 2006 that I began with the DIYs and other bits. I've seen my projects fall flat back then but picked up now with success (not by me though, I'm always a bit too early to the party) I've seen trends go full circle, hitting hard, fading out, only to return. I've seen colors become Prom Queen and supermodels then get ostracized only to be rediscovered with a new name and nose job. I've seen a lot, and through it all and before I have lived my life. It's not any life anyone would aspire too and I think that's what my whole problem was. I was jealous. Am jealous of those pretty bloggers out there who are the prom queens and most populars. The ones who people emulate and want to be. The ones who own homes and have beautiful babies...all those things I will never have or ever be and I slipped into a downward spiral wondering what my place was in the scheme of things. Wishing I had some sort of flash and fabulousness that would make people remember me in some way.
How's that for sorry thinking? Seriously, I shake my head in embarrassment at my needy self. I was trying to relate and compare to all these truly awesome internet folk through my experiences and when I found they didn't mesh I felt like I was pointless. I have had to pull up from my middle-aged brain story-worthy moments to remember that I have had some amazing experiences. I may not have ever traveled Europe on my own or purchased anything designer-ish. I may have battled with stupid credit card debt and have nothing to show for it (why oh why did I not buy art when I had the chance?) I may not own a home or ever be a mother but I do have stories, crazy stories; super silly and ridiculous stories. I may have had a disadvantaged childhood and lacked many things but goodness, I had a most loving and creative mother. I may have lost my mother when I needed her most but I had grandma and while it was one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life, I tell you, the opportunity to be with her and care for her and show her grace and love like she had never had before is something I hold in my heart and wish upon others. I may not be able to pull of fashion and cute clothes but if given a chance, I can style you up like there is no tomorrow. I may lack the lung power to ride my bike as often as I like but I can still stretch and lift and dance it up with my mister and speaking of my mister, I have him. Now THAT is something super special. I have him, I have us and we may both lack pointy noggins and have oodles of regrets and moments of melancholy that last far too long but we really do have a good beat that you can dance to. It might seem slow or outdated but if given the chance you might find us amusing.
I'm sharing all this because I think we're all looking for something here on the internet and in our lives. We may want to be noticed or appreciated. We may want to simply share in a conversation or just share ourselves. We want to relate to others and we will, just not everybody and that is okay. We don't have to. We do however need to relate to ourselves. We need to grow and we need to be accepting, faults and all. We need to know that the world and others hold so much more and that variety is a good thing. We need to know that unless we share, we won't know we can relate. Share a little, share a lot, it is up to you but try and remember that we all need a little hug now and then. A wee pat on the back ain't so bad either. Something that shows the other person that you connected in some way, whether it is a smile to a stranger, holding the door open, engaging in conversation, purchasing something handmade, writing a thank you letter, leaving a comment or giving someone a poke, you'll be amazed at how much that little something can carry a person to cheerfulness. On the flip side, it's okay to wallow and feel sad but don't let it take you away. Think of the wallow as a gift of self reflection. Of mastering your feelings and what you need in your life. It is a moment to focus on yourself but in a kind voice full of good things and maybe even a little self-mockery. Humor after-all is one of our greatest gifts.
On that note, I thank you. I thank you for sticking by me and reading my rants. I thank those of you who do comment and email me. I have had some wonderful conversations with you. I thank you for shopping my etsy shop and for enjoying my photos and I thank you for your wonderful words of encouragement. Thank you.