Monday, January 31, 2011

the week in review: jan 24-30

it was a weeky week. some good, some not-so-good with a lovely weekend finish! click here for more on the pics.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

lovely lovely lovely

please accept my humble thank yous for your lovely words of encouragement and support. i still feel sad and lame and quite over-the-top ridiculous. i want to thank each one of you separately and i will if i can figure out yer emails. i do have to say that Michael, you made me spit my tea out and yer right, learning how to pee standing up is quite an accomplishment.

pleasant dreams to everyone. today i managed a smile here and there. there were kittens at the hardware store (adoption day) and man oh man, there was a four month old grey named kevin i soooooo wanted to take home. i played with color,  took pictures of the garden (there are flowers everywhere!) and hung out with the nephew, encouraging him to fly with an umbrella (whilst jumping off great piles of dirt & mulch). he and the mister also made aliens out of popsicle sticks and masking tape. well, they didn't just do it, i kinda made them. and now, as i tippy type this up, i am on a chat date with this lovely gal...i may hate the phone but IM is pretty nifty. if we're FB friends, gimme a shout and if we're not, why not?

so, i'm still here, red faced and puffy eyed. my head still hurts and my heart still aches and i still feel scared to pieces but i suppose it will pass. i really, really hope it will pass.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

it's party time {or} the return of the sad racoon

well...not THAT kind of party. yeah, yeah, i know, i seem to be in a mood more often than not but i'd like to think it is justified. maybe my body is confused because of the insanely gorgeous weather we're having or maybe my brain isn't producing enough serotonin or melatonin or whatever tonin it is supposed to be baking up. either way i feel like running away and a great big rabbit hole would be just dandy.

(warning, sad rant ahead, read at your own risk)

i'm sorry i haven't been posting much but i don't really feel like sunshine and rainbows and happy colors and flowers. my head has been pounding for a few days now and i am tired and crankier than usual. i'm trying to not have ANY sugar right now and maybe all this is a symptom of detox i don't know. i just feel like a square peg trying to fit into that round hole and it's just never gonna happen. i'm never going to be something i'm not. and when i feel all square peggish and unhappy i dwell on those things i cannot change. i'm never going to be a slender, pretty craft writer. i'm never going to be a mom. i'm never going to be a person who can talk to their mother or father. one is dead and the other may as well be for all they care. how's that for uncomfortable baggage?

in less than thirty days i am going to be forty. FORTY! i have no job, no leads, no space to call my own and am one unhappy camper. forty for freaks sake and i have nothing to show for it. there may be stories to share and many of them may be quite amusing but that's it. what makes this all worse is that i feel ungrateful. i feel splotchy and mean and whiny and lamer than lame. i feel like i take up too much space and am in everyone's way. no good. no good. i feel like i have no right to throw a pity party but my head hurts so badly that my toddler self has thrown the body on the floor all red-faced and top-of-the-lungs-screamy.


and now i feel smaller than small. this may very well be my true self. not much to like, right? if there is one thing i am really, really good at it is beating myself up. right now i see no reason not to, it is what it is and i'm letting it out and i am feeling all sorts of wonky. and truthfully i am scared you will think poorly of me or that you might think i need meds or therapy and who knows, maybe i do. what i need more though, is a job, or something to help me feel like there is any point to my sitting here feeling all blue. so yep folks, the raccoon is back. this time she has punked up my skin which is drier than dry and my hair? i don't know what is going on, it has grown coarse and dry and straighter than usual. and the circles under my eyes are the prettiest shade of plum i have seen except for that fact that is is on my face. sigh. i do bid you well, and think i shall retire with a cool glass of water and the comfort of a very dark room. 

**and before you panic, the pic was taken two days ago when the mister and i rode out to the port of san luis. it was a perfect day for a bike ride and a lovely ride at that. my brains was a little off but not too much so. this is a mood, a funk, a gloom, a phase. it will pass. it will. 

Monday, January 24, 2011

the week in review: jan 17-23

I'm not really sure what to write in regards to last week. There was much of the same old, same old going on. I worked on articles, the mister built instruments...we went on a hike, watched movies and generally had a good time but there was a funk in the air. A funkified funk that weighed heavily on our shoulders. while we appreciate the freedom and time we have currently, we cannot help but feel overwhelmed at the lack of job prospects. Even good old fashioned retail doesn't seem to want me and so I stewed in a funky funk and then let the internet make me feel all less than less than and you know how that goes. Sigh. I'm still feeling sheepish and peevish and all sorts of other ishes but I'll keep on keeping on...

click hereto get more details about the week. It wasn't a bad week by any means, it was just a bad week for feeling good about ourselves. I hope this week is better for you, for me, for anyone who needs it. Phew!

Monday, January 17, 2011

poppytalk's winter colours week: red

my gal stacey is doing this as well. see more winter colours week pics at poppytalk and in the flickr pool.

the week in review: jan 10-16

the weather turned warm this week and came with a lot of wind. i think i finally got into the swing of the new year and managed to work, work, work on multiple projects. it was a good week. i can't help but worry worry about where we will get our next wee bit o income though. but the weather was fantastic and i broke down to take my very last bit of emergency meds so that i could breathe and i hope it can carry me over to employment. this not breathing thing, i am not a fan of. 

we went on one mini adventure but mostly stayed at the homestead working on various projects. my lists are getting longer and longer there is much i wish to make and do. i suppose now is the time, right? this week will be more of the same. the wind is even more fierce, the sun brighter. i'll be bouncing about in bubblegum pink house slippers  and my new pajamas.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

summer weather

it felt like summer today as the mister, mama and i walked up and down and down and up sticky, muddy trails in Los Osos. the sky was a pale hazified blue with clouds and contrails zipping about like dragonflies over a soccer a field. we didn't have a trail guide or topographic map so we wandered from one trail to another until we hit a dead end and circled back.
before all that, on the way out to the trail we turned off the main highway to see a smattering of cars honk, honking away at a truck stalled in the left turn lane. there must have been a dozen cars twisty-turning around the stalled car while a young business owner sat in the bed of his pick-up truck surrounded by flowers looked on. the mister and i pulled over and made our way back up the road and offered a push as best we could. with a dazzling smile of relief she thanked us as we steered her to safety still with cars honk, honking away. it always makes me a little sad how little we help out our fellow creatures.
i remember once, a long time ago when my old prince valiant, a 1968 plymouth in too many shades of primer gray stalled in the pouring rain smack dab at a busy-busy intersection. my hazhards were on as i opened the choke and pleaded for him to start. amidst all the honking and yelling, i put the prince into neutral and tripped out in the puddles and puddles and did my best to push AND steer all by myself. not one person in their car offered a hand. to my relief a trio of guys who hang out on the corner looking for odd jobs trotted over and steered me to a safe zone. i was never so happy as to hand that guy my last $5 and tell him to get himself something hot to drink. he smiled, i smiled and we understood that the moment was good. since then, i do my best to offer assistance when i am able. it doesn't take much, it really doesn't and it can turn an entire day around to something good.
after our hike we nosed our way to a local favorite burger joint before taking a chance on the monarch grove. there are two groves up here in the county that offer shelter to migrating monarchs and the day was too pretty not to try. with guide book in hand we made our way and wandered into the shady pungent forest of eucalyptus trees. like fairies hiding out in our peripheral we could almost, almost see them fluttering about. in the quiet of the grove, a smaller than tall tree toppled causing a mad crash to lift a dozen or so large butterflies careening here and there. we wandered further into the clearing to find we weren't alone and did our best to offer friendliness to a slightly cantankerous character that left us three a might bit uneasy. after he left we stood there in silence, eyes cast upwards to the tippy top of the trees. the number of butterflies has dwindled substantially but if you stand still and turn your gaze outwards from yourself you will see a show that is delightful. we were in shadow and the butterflies were fast so all my photos came out glurry-blurry. but oh it was worth it to simply stand and watch.
on the drive back home i spotted a discarded chair in faded rose velvet complete with cardboard sign and lopsided smile. the light right then was no good for photos so i grabbed a sharpie from the front of the car and wrote C H A I R on my wrist as a reminder in case i am up early tomorrow morning. back at the homestead i see that most my pictures have come out blurry and hazy hazy. i'm either off my game or the day was weirdly filtered. either way i'm okay with that as one of the pictures from the grove offers up a lens flash that could very well be a fairy.
so today was good even if it was hat day and no hats were made. even if i copped out for a starbucks that disappointed me in more ways than one. even if i didn't find the chipboard alphabet letters i was searching for at michael's. it was good. i remembered to use my coupon to get my sticky glue for half off and i like to think i spent my $20 as creatively (if not wisely) as possible. from craft supplies, to a loaf of crusty bread to a disappointing coffee drink, i actually spent it all save for a penny. and now i am home with my mouth happy from home baked cookies as i tippy type away thinking it is time to dig out the homemade vegetable soup the mister made last night. happy hat day my friends, may your thinking cap be a most productive one.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

hoooo-weeee

Today was a crazy busy kind of day. I was up early to pill the Witch-baby and then I decided to watch a netflix huddled up on the sofa with the fire going. When the flick ended and mr. a-go-go needed the computer so I got to work on three different articles/projects that are due this week.
I took 250 pictures and whittled them down to 114 which will be whittled down even further (I hope). After all that editing, I had time for some chow, a few moments watching Pee-Wee with the mister and then off I went to meet a new friend for coffee.
And to top it all off, I had rainbow toe-socks on the entire time. Happy Wednesday folks!

Monday, January 10, 2011

the week in review: jan 3-9

i didn't get a lick of "work" done but i did bake an interesting cookie, had long phone talks with two far away people, enjoyed tea with the ladies in my family, spent the day at the beach and did my best to take it slow and b r e a t h e.  clicky click here for more details on the week. this week i have three articles due and a birthday present to make so off i gooooooo....

Sunday, January 09, 2011

Guest blogging over at Christine's...

Fellow blogger and crafty friend Christine of christinehaynes.com is off adventuring in Paris and while she's there she asked if I would like to be a guest blogger over at her place. She's got all sorts of nifty guests blogging about all sorts of nifty, interesting, amusing and useful things. I particularly learned a whole lot about Lisa's Twitter post. My most recent post includes a recipe for homemade dulce de leche so hop on over and don't miss out!