Wednesday, November 23, 2011
rolling with it
it's not surprising really. at least to me. my mother went into the hospital around this time just before she died. i had no idea she wouldn't be coming home. none. i think about her last Thanksgiving in a lonely room so far from her home and her comforting objects and my chest tightens. heartsick. i still feel so young. i feel like i shouldn't have to feel this way. that i am too young to not have her alive. we were close. crazy close. and i miss her. there are times when i miss her so much tears simply fall and other times i am so angry at her for things that cannot be changed. then there are times when i am so very mournful of what she went through, opportunities she lost, and the burden of her illness that my mind goes blank and i refuse, refuse to think anymore on it otherwise i might wail and wailing takes me to a place that i fear so very much.
so yes, it's the season. the season of sad. it can be bittersweet. it usually is. i gather up all my good memories of my mother and my family and the holidays and i fling them about in hopes that i can feel the warmth and charm of my mother. sometimes i succeed, mostly i do not because when i open myself up to it all, it lets all sorts of other into the mix. nothing like the holidays to remind you that you are the last of your traditions. i hold onto them so so so tightly. i wonder why when i know there is no point, no one, no child or children to pass them along to. ick, that sounds so desperate. but here's the thing, my best memories circle around those traditions my mother gave to me. those traditions that she shared even though her heart was broken. her person was broken. i need to share them but am unable to. at least in the manner i wish.
yet, through all this muck. this sad. this ick. i feel grateful and thankful for what i do have and how i came out of it all for the most part, intact (sad raccoon be damned). yes, there is melodrama and whininess and sad rants and such. i make no excuses for that. anyone who never feels these things is taking too many pills. i'm putting this out there because it is what it is. i feel sad. i feel blue. at some point tonight, i am sure i will laugh at something. i will feel inspired and i will write down an idea. i will smile to myself and i will remember my mother without tears. i will smooth back the hair that flops over the mister's forehead and feel my heart burst with all sorts of good feelings and i will slip into a pretty bed with velvety-soft vintage sheets, hippo under my arm, this song stuck in my head as i slip into slumber full of wonder and joy for all that i have.