Friday, November 04, 2011

friday's confessional: november 4

Aw shucks, I forgot what I was going to confesss (other than my intense feelings of jealousy towards, oh...everyone right now) so hows about a wee response to last week's confessional? In response to last week's confessional I wish to clarify that I was attempting humor to point out my ineptness at all things girlie. I am often confused when I receive super lovely letters after a post that tell me not to fret, that I am lovely and things will get better after a post where I thought I was poking fun at myself and my ridiculousness. I do love me a nice, encouraging word, believe me, it really boosts the ego (thank yous to the folks who wrote, thank you!); but I am so often confused that my tone is so often misunderstood. I often have people gush over what they see as my positive and sunny disposition (wha? really?) which results in two things. One, I smile and say thank you and then two, I give a guffaw because really, I feel like I am far too cranky all the time. But then, I write here thinking I am sunny and funny and honest and then I am told I am a bit of a downer.

See? Confusing.

So, here's the deal (and I promise, I'm trying to sound light here and positive), I have lived a quirky life fuller than full of tales of woe. Most of the time, I look back and think WOW, I'm still here, mostly intact and I feel pretty good about that. But then, the dark comes crashing in and I am sad and feeling mad and I go with it. There are ups and there are downs and I deal with it as we all tend to do. I write what I write because it helps to get it out of my head and then I think maybe someone else out there is feeling this way as well and maybe they won't feel as alone as I sometimes do. Don't you ever feel alone? I simply do this to keep myself sane, I used to write with a pen in a book but I got tired of my hand cramping up and the ink that would glomb onto my hand as I am a lefty. Also, when I write fast, there is no discerning what letter is which and what word is what, I'm a sloppy scribbler with poor penmanship, my typing isn't as swell either but thank goodness for spell check and the delete key.

This all goes back to perception. Even those close, close, close to me manage to mis-perceive my intentions. When that happens I fell all prickly and irritated and there may be an urge for some shin kicking. I feel even worse when I try to explain what I meant so instead I let it roil and boil about the noggin until I'm a bit heart heavy which has me crash, crash crashing down to bottom and I feel like running even further away than I have run already. It's a stupid cycle and I feel all of twelve all over again. I'm kinda feeling it now but I opened this can o worms so I can't complain. I guess what I want to remind people is that perception is a tricky thing. It's the song in the head that you cannot hear. It's what you bring to the party based on how your day has gone, and it's personal and real yet not real at all. Does that make sense? It's all relative.

I'm not sure I'm making sense even to myself but I do know that my brows are STILL a mess, more of a disaster really and I need to find a stylist up here in this little town and I need to figure out how to fork over the moolah to do it. I miss my gal down in L.A. Gals, really. They were great, shaped 'em up nicely and did not over pluck one bit. Here, people tend to wear their brows a bit on the skinny side so I am weary. Oh and thank you for your support and giggles in cheering me on. I'm not afraid of the work, just don't know where or how at this point. Oh and threading, yes threading! I used to get that done oodles and ages ago. Goodness, haven't had it done in more than a decade. I wonder if anyone up here does that. Good question. And like I said, I am not very good at this whole girlie business. You would think after 40 years I would have gotten the hang of it but I haven't. Eyelash curlers terrify me, shaving takes too long, lotion leaves my hands feeling greasy and I have no idea how to get my hair in an even part in the back when I put in pony-tails or knots. I also find myself staring at all the ladies around me. All of them. How do they get their hair so shiny? How? I have gel and shine and other sorts of goo but all it does is make my hair oily...oy! At least my grown out dye job is fairing up. Thank goodness the trend in hair color is "ombre" for once I fit in with my kooky dark roots. Go me!

1 comment:

  1. Dawn/wolfmom2ac11:20 AM

    Jess, I love your blog and I always seem to get your feeling of what you are writting! You just keep being you and please don't change a thing! I love you just the way you are, just right!!
    Keep smiling sweetie!!