(disclaimer. i was under assualt of the frumpies and it was ick, ick, icky when i wrote this (oh, two days ago). and not that i don't still feel this way but the tunnel is not so long as it was. i am owning my moods mind you and so i share. i hope that this reads a little amusing, more dysfunctional than not but true, true, true and i promise i am not fishing for complements or pep talks. i just gotta be meeeeeee...carry on. oh wait, let's cal this the post-confessional, okee dokee?)
i spent last weekend with favorite people in favorite spaces. we wandered for hours around a school fair where the children looked like they stepped out of the pages of a european magazine and the women all around me wore such heavenly layers i couldn't help but feel i was at the wrong party. everywhere around me there were the most lovely ladies in the most lovely layers, including my favorite stacey who blended in so seamlessly, my heart thumped with jealousy and i felt frumpier than the frumpiest i have ever felt (and believe me, i am really good at feeling frumpy).
i know this is a perception of mine and that there are some who agree and some who do not. the important part for me to remember is that this is honestly how i feel. my feelings. they may be warped and carnival-mirror-twisted but as i feel them, they are real. as for the layers, i must confess i have lost it. my fashion sense. my quirky style lay in a puddle in the back of my new closet damp and too sullen to be wrestled in this larger shape of mine. i am stagnant. there is no reason for me to be stagnant but i am.
there are some who when stagnant smack the snooze button and get cracking on things. they get out and simply DO. me? i keep myself awake at night planning a master plan only to snub my nose at my alarm and pull the covers back over my head. there are so many items on my to-do list i pretend it doesn't exist and i do everything but. and by everything i mean i do nothing, nothing at all. i don't even take pictures any more. not really. not like i used to.
i'm sure there are oodles of reasons for all this freakified frumpiness. a soupy soup of bad-brain produced chemicals, residual hurt feelings caused by someone i like, the uncertainty of this new life and insecurities in attempting a social life. i love being able to live where we live but i feel lonely and scattered and unsure of any redeeming qualities i may have. i know a handful of people up here who are pretty awesome but my stupid shyness rears its contradictory self and i'm a blathering mess. who would want to hang out with that? i know i am too critical of myself but knowing and changing are two different things. i'm working on that, on trusting in myself and seeing something good and worthy in me. i like to think that others see something and sometimes i really think they do but then that brain of mine hunkers down on one shoulder and ruins it all. it's like the frumpy fairy has double doused me with her fairy dust. triple doused. dosed?
so i'm writing this down, to get the bad thoughts out. to purge and to cleanse and to remind myself that it is time to get out of my comfort zone. to reach back, back, back into that closet and put on a dress or a skirt or two and get all tangley-twisted in a pair of tights (there has got to be at least one pair in there that will fit). ignore those extra chins and jiggly bits and find out where the mascara went and get reacquainted with those lipstick skills you used to (semi) rock. maybe, maybe if you got yer fashion back, the frumpies will head out of dodge. at least a little. do they still make girdles?