Saturday, June 11, 2011

Confession?

This week has been a doozy of dooze and gloom and ick. If I were any other person, any other type of person it would probably be a normal or fine sort of week. I am not, however, a different sort of person and I feel ick and ack and doom and gloom and am ready to turn all cartoon-ostrich on you and hide out in the sand.

I want to expound upon this idea of tuning in and tell you to apply it to your whole self, body AND mind. My mind is in conflict and I know myself and I think I know how others perceive me even those parts of me where I try, try, try to convey my honest intentions. I know that my feelings, my self as I am, conflict with pretty much everyone around me and I'm trying to wrap it all around myself. How do I stand tall, chin up and proud to be who I am when people around me, strangers, friends and family begin with the eye rolls and cough-snorts and such? I'm tuning in and I am flagging...losing confidence in so much it simply sucks.

I had wanted to write something funny and witty and poke fun at myself (I even scratched out a mini post on a torn sheet of paper last night that is still camping out in my back pocket) but for now, I'm just airing out my laundry and thinking I might take a nap or not, I don't know. But think about tuning in and knowing your mind or your presence of mind. Know what is important to you and what you will settle for and what you won't. Surround yourself with people who will support you even when they don't agree or at least get one person to cheer for you. I could do with one person, that would be nice (mr. a-go-go you are sweller than swell).

I think I'll blame the song in my head. The song in my head is my song, it's got a wonky beat and sometimes skips and cracks (it may even be stuck right now). You don't have to like my song but it would be kinda nice to know that you can hear it and pick out its wonky beat. So yeah, blabbering again but only you know your true heart and intention which is a pretty scary thing when you narrow it down and reflect on it. At least to me it is. I want so much to be understood and accepted but still I feel like I skirt the edges of normal or, at least societal norm. I understand that most people can float along, skip or dance to the loudest song that is playing. I want to be like that. I really do. I'm just....not. It's one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of feelings. I'm so knotted up kerfungled I can't quite explain myself. For crikes sake, maybe if I whine enough I can start laughing at myself. A healthy dose of humor usually helps...and cookies. Cookies work as well. Peanut butter cookies.

Soooooooo...in a nutshell, my name is Jessica and I am an over-sensitive basket-case with a penchant for peanut butter cookies and over-thinking simple things. What's your name?

7 comments:

  1. My name is Tonya and I love cookies (just made chocolate chip yesterday)and I believe we have a lot in common. I, too, struggle with being authentic but knowing others might not get it.

    Be true to yourself!

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  2. My name is Sarah and I like Jessica just the way she is:)

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  3. Anonymous8:54 PM

    Hey girl, the choices are--You can be cool and creative OR you can be normal. Should have figured this on out by now, kiddo. ;)

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  4. I'm also a Sarah and I also have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. Your previous post SPOKE to me. This one does too. And I like my cookie dough raw, eggs and and food poisoning be damned, because I like to live on the edge and lick my fingers.

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  5. My name is Nico and I am a silly Gemini, I can larfh and larfh nonstop, until I get very grumpy and then up again... and I live with a Pisces boyfriend who sounds SO MUCH like you. Are you sure is not you, Robert? :)
    Keep being yourself and high five to the Mr.!

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  6. My name is Michelle, oatmeal raisin and I think you should stay as quirky as you are!

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  7. My name is Elizabeth, I love anything with sugar. I eat horribly yet have lived 24 years past what the medical community quoted I'd live to. As for normal I love this bit from Practical Magic.
    Sally Owens: All I want is a normal life.
    Aunt Frances Owens: My darling girl, when are you going to realize that being normal is not necessarily a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage!
    Sally Owens: Well, it's what I want

    I'll never be normal, but then again I've only met a few totally supposedly normal people in my life and they scared the pee waddin' out of me.

    Be who you are and know besides Mr. A-Go-Go you don't have to please anyone but yourself.

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