Saturday, June 11, 2011
I want to expound upon this idea of tuning in and tell you to apply it to your whole self, body AND mind. My mind is in conflict and I know myself and I think I know how others perceive me even those parts of me where I try, try, try to convey my honest intentions. I know that my feelings, my self as I am, conflict with pretty much everyone around me and I'm trying to wrap it all around myself. How do I stand tall, chin up and proud to be who I am when people around me, strangers, friends and family begin with the eye rolls and cough-snorts and such? I'm tuning in and I am flagging...losing confidence in so much it simply sucks.
I had wanted to write something funny and witty and poke fun at myself (I even scratched out a mini post on a torn sheet of paper last night that is still camping out in my back pocket) but for now, I'm just airing out my laundry and thinking I might take a nap or not, I don't know. But think about tuning in and knowing your mind or your presence of mind. Know what is important to you and what you will settle for and what you won't. Surround yourself with people who will support you even when they don't agree or at least get one person to cheer for you. I could do with one person, that would be nice (mr. a-go-go you are sweller than swell).
I think I'll blame the song in my head. The song in my head is my song, it's got a wonky beat and sometimes skips and cracks (it may even be stuck right now). You don't have to like my song but it would be kinda nice to know that you can hear it and pick out its wonky beat. So yeah, blabbering again but only you know your true heart and intention which is a pretty scary thing when you narrow it down and reflect on it. At least to me it is. I want so much to be understood and accepted but still I feel like I skirt the edges of normal or, at least societal norm. I understand that most people can float along, skip or dance to the loudest song that is playing. I want to be like that. I really do. I'm just....not. It's one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of feelings. I'm so knotted up kerfungled I can't quite explain myself. For crikes sake, maybe if I whine enough I can start laughing at myself. A healthy dose of humor usually helps...and cookies. Cookies work as well. Peanut butter cookies.
Soooooooo...in a nutshell, my name is Jessica and I am an over-sensitive basket-case with a penchant for peanut butter cookies and over-thinking simple things. What's your name?