Monday, September 20, 2010
the post that got hijacked by hormones
**warning. this post was written under extreme distress. it didn't begin that way but the mind goes where it goes and methinks i needed a vent. there is anger that follows and a hullabaloo of cussing and such. i could lock this up so you don't judge me but i'm leaving it open in hopes that i'm not the only one to succumb to petty venting and that my story may make someone laugh, cry or feel some sort of kinship. isn't that what we all want? to belong, to feel liked and to feel not so alone?
i'm having that feeling again. of not fitting in. of feeling like i am not nearly cool enough to hang out with the cool kids. i know this is nonsense, i have written about it many times before but why is it that our junior high experiences stick with us so? whine whine whine.
on the one hand i want to fit in and be a part of the pack. on the other i don't want to fuss with pretending to be something i am not and this is how it compares with my thirteen year old self. back then it was Duran Duran and now it is somber colors and knitting.
back when i was an impressionable teen, i hit puberty much like everyone else did. my unfortunate misfortune was to be poor. poor and creative.
recently a friend said to me (in response to me pontificating on perception and how people perceive me) "the only thing i can say about you jessica is that you are soooo excited by everything around you." she then went on to exclaim about the sky or a rainbow or fabric...song...etc. much like i do (ahem) all the time. and i got what she said, i did but then i felt utterly embarrassed and misunderstood. if i seem excited about the world damn staight. i HAVE to. i have been through far too much crap and sadness and anxiety in my life. i have these tiny little all important and all too sucky merit badges etched into my chest. i have sad lungs and cannot breathe very well. sometimes i stop breathing in my sleep and am woken up with a sharp shake as mr. a-go-go panics at my gurgling (gotta lurve apnea). i have a disease that can lead up to heart damage and makes me uninsurable. my mother died from a disease that i may very well have and i am fucking infertile. you got that? i cannot have children. i have both a deformity to my reproductive parts (thank you DES) and am in the unwanted throes of early menopause. so don't even attempt to soothe with talk of adoption or surrogacy. either or, they both cost a bundle and that is a bundle that we do not have now or maybe ever (nevermind the bundle, we don't even have jobs). i am sad. i am angry and it rips me apart every time a friend waves that happy little stick or flashes a black photo of a tiny ghostie baby shape. do you get that? it RIPS ME APART. makes me want to throw in the towel, hide under the bed, drink myself int a stupor and jump off a cliff. so if it seems i see rainbows and am excited about everything it is because i HAVE TO.
an employer once told me i am high strung. that smarted. i talk fast and loud and yeah, the eyes tend to weep over any little good or bad thing but to battle it out to convince someone that i am NOT high strung would just make me seem um...high strung, right? all i can dignify is that i am a stickler for fairness and rules. not that i don't break rules but when we are held to a standard of rules (like in the workplace) and popularity negates ones need to follow those rules, i call foul. i believe we should all be treated with the same respect. you may not like someone personally but if they do a good job then they do a good job. i do my best to be unbiased to a fault. i'm far from being a goody goody and am just as guilty as the next for making fun of someone, passing judgment and snarking out. but i do my best to call myself on it, to work through the why of the snarkiness and to keep an open mind for those i don't like. i'm not always successful but my heart is in the right place. if there is something that i have learned it is that life is too short to hold grudges, shit happens, and lemonade is a must what with all the crappy citrus life throws at us sometimes.
**and now i need to follow up with a post about the junior high feelings. there was a reason for that intro but a bumper car whomped into me and spun me in a different direction. let's just say i was thinking about it all when i spied a colorful papel picado in a local chocolate shop and sighed a sigh that betrays my want for more solemn colors to surround me. moving on. snark out, have fun at my expense and thank yer lucky stars yer not me.