Thursday, August 12, 2010

on crankiness and stupidity

being "home" is taking some getting used to. i'm not used to it and feeling ever out-o-sorts. i'm feeling a bit thin skinned and weepish and precariously close to a dark hole and it ain't one with a white rabbit in it. i'm finding that i am being consumed with trends in blogging, more aptly blogging popularity. click, click, clicking away to catch up with my favorite reads i am seeing them all run into each other almost seamlessly. there is a tiny chip on my shoulder much like those expando-thingamabobs you immerse in water. you know, first it is a teeny tiny lobster then you add water and whammo! it's like the gremlins are out and there is a lobster worthy of a godzilla-sized battle taking up space in yer kitchen.

this leetle chip is itching to jump into a vat of water and grow out of control. WAY out of control and i need to curtail my envy, anxiety and shoddy thoughts before i become crankier than usual...whinier than usual even. if you haven't guessed yet, i am a bit of a crank, a smidge of a truth-stretcher (as in i do NOT see rainbows all about me) and a petulant child in need of validation for all my blogging efforts. silly isn't it? one would think that moving from tortured geeky teenhood to only slightly dorky adulthood, i would be above it all but still i feel like i am standing alone on a blacktop covered in cracks wishing fervently that someone would pick me, pick me! i alternately slump about and then laugh at my ridiculousness. but it is true. i think that life is a game in which we wish for camaraderie and like. love is easy it is like that is the difficult emotion to win. so there you have it, a pout, pout, pout about not fitting in. in an archetype kind of way i don't. there seem to be many things missing especially now after the trip, things like a cute home and crocheting skills. like the ability to make homemade bread and babies. like wearing knee socks with galoshes and vintage dresses that fit. so many things, so many with very little wiggle room, at least for these gifted hips.

and lest you think i am the snarkiest of snarky know that i adore the blogs that i read, i adore my mama friends and thin hipped girls and i adore you i do, i'm just giving in to cranky-whiny alternate me. and to think, this was going to be a post about slurpees. sigh. gotta love my dorky brain. you dont, but i guess i have to, it's the only one i got.


  1. and since i'm having the kind of night that involves tears, i get it. oh yes i do.

    i think i'm going to go to the 7-11 for a coke slurpee. that'll help.

  2. if i knew where a 7-11 was, i would join ya! thank you and cheers. (snort!)

  3. Sometimes I have to read things a few times before I comprehend them, or I'll have my mum explain them to me, she's brilliant. However, she's in the darkroom now and could be there for hours, so here goes: What? You are adorable and from what I can see you are loved. Thin hips.... pppffft! Friends... from what I've read you have quite a few missing you in L.A. I get the whole validation thing, trust me I get it. I can't get one teacher to validate me like they validate some of my fellow classmates, but my mum tells me I can wallow, I can wonder what I should, could do differently, or I can live doing what I love, what makes me happy. She told me that if I concentrate on me and having fun some how the people who were suppose to be in my life would find me, be drawn to me. Patience was to be my friend. And some wonderfully, fabulous people have found me. You have talent in many areas... crazy talent and from one "geek" to another you have a friend here.

  4. Eh up! I think I've been following your blog for a year or so and have never commented (or maybe once) - so just popping in to say hi! Chin up and all that jazz :)

  5. Ahh, the post-vacation blues. After such a fun, exciting, fast-paced trip, you have to be still deal with reality once again. AND you are faced with finding a new groove in a new place. No wonder you feel a bit shaky!

    Pull out your photos of Graceland. They ought to perk you up, if only temporarily :)

  6. I think one of the problems with the blogosphere is that we read and comment and feel like we know these people (and sometimes we do!) but I feel like I read and comment and yet no one knows me. I get on that sad, pouty train all the time. BUT I keep blogging away in the hopes that tomorrow I'll have more followers than today.

    And please don't feel jealous of the other bloggers. You are great the way you are. In fact you are one of the most relatable bloggers I read. Hang i there.

  7. ah i hear you... i feel this way most of the time! and yes bloggers are very clickish and they all seem very connected with each other. i don't even have a blog for fear of the rejection! you are an awesome writter (i have told you before)and i love your blog and all your quirkyness!i even love reading about your bad days. it's real and raw!

  8. Anonymous8:21 PM

    I love your honesty and I love you!
    Not in a creepy way.
    Just in a I-feel-you-and-relate-to-you-and-hope-you-don't-feel-so-alone kind of way.

    I specialize in blueberry muffins (out of the box).

    I totally envy you and your hubby for this trip you've taken.

    And my crafting skills are....minimal at best.

    But my laugh is loud and my tea is good.

    Love, love.

  9. Coming home from vacation is hard. I imagine even more difficult when you are not coming home to something familiar and "yours".
    We just returned from a week away at a rental house with my sisters. I return thinking. Why can't our house be finished? Why are there always so many chores? Why is our house falling apart faster than we can put things back together?
    Then when I blog I only post pictures that show the good stuff - not the saw dust, or the buckets collecting water dripping from our leaky bathroom sink, or the stucco falling off the house.
    But I hear you on the always checking the blog stats, waiting for comments, checking the flickr and such. It has become a sickness.
    I never was one of the "popular" kids and I liked it that way. So, why do I want to be one now?

    I've got a kitchen table full of fresh peaches - you want a peach smoothie?

  10. I get it, the crafty blogs sometimes eek of Martha like perfection, high school clicky-ness and elude to perfect house-ness I'll never achieve. I tend to think of some blogs as storefronts, fantasy book covers or christmas wrappings. Whats inside (or in this case the real lives of the bloggers themselves) aren't so shiny perfect as they put forth. I think for some a blog is an opportunity for controlled perfection where it exists no where else in that persons life.

    I love and identify more with bloggers who curse, make mistakes, are honest about their dirty dishes etc. I don't want to be Martha, I just like to look at the magazine in a dreamlike state of wishful fantasy because I know that it really isn't like that (anything that takes a matched team of interns isn't perfection it's theater).
    I love your blog, and have followed your adventures so keep your chin up and know that for most of us real counds way more than false glossy fakeness.

  11. Hello. Just found your blog and I will drop in again. Hugs Karen

  12. Jek, you are so unique and quirky and don't fit into that "Hi, welcome to my perfect world where I knit and bake and homeschool my 10 children blah blah blah" pretense and that's why I love you (and I call it pretense because we ALL have craziness and moments of chaos and self-doubt, even if someone's blog isn't outright saying it). PLEASE don't knock yourself down; I love all those blogs,too (we're probably referring to the same's interesting how small the blog world can be), but I absolutely adore yours because you take joy in the simple things, the weird and the wonderful, and no one out there is like you whatsoever. I know it's bumpy right now...but just know that we all hit the bumps at times and don't have such soft landings. (p.s. - the Naked Lady bulbs are blooming! Thanks for sending them!)

  13. Anonymous11:32 AM

    I am picking up what you are putting down.

    To be thin hipped (and otherwise) and wearing funky vintage plucked from the thrift while baking organic bread from wheat I grew in my yard garden watered only with rainwater collected in drums made by my husband who used the build to illustrate some mathematical principles to our homeschooled and photogenic children.

    Yeah, I know grump.
    Better today?

  14. I love that you blog about your life and exactly who you are. It's refreshing and poignant and funny - and still, there have been times when I've felt a little weepy after reading one of your posts. I think you're pretty cool just the way you are. It's real life. It happens to all of us. xo

  15. i still need to respond to everyone's perfectly perfect comments and ms. suzonne, oh no! i am sorry i have made you feel weepy. big squeeze and thank you to you!