being "home" is taking some getting used to. i'm not used to it and feeling ever out-o-sorts. i'm feeling a bit thin skinned and weepish and precariously close to a dark hole and it ain't one with a white rabbit in it. i'm finding that i am being consumed with trends in blogging, more aptly blogging popularity. click, click, clicking away to catch up with my favorite reads i am seeing them all run into each other almost seamlessly. there is a tiny chip on my shoulder much like those expando-thingamabobs you immerse in water. you know, first it is a teeny tiny lobster then you add water and whammo! it's like the gremlins are out and there is a lobster worthy of a godzilla-sized battle taking up space in yer kitchen.
this leetle chip is itching to jump into a vat of water and grow out of control. WAY out of control and i need to curtail my envy, anxiety and shoddy thoughts before i become crankier than usual...whinier than usual even. if you haven't guessed yet, i am a bit of a crank, a smidge of a truth-stretcher (as in i do NOT see rainbows all about me) and a petulant child in need of validation for all my blogging efforts. silly isn't it? one would think that moving from tortured geeky teenhood to only slightly dorky adulthood, i would be above it all but still i feel like i am standing alone on a blacktop covered in cracks wishing fervently that someone would pick me, pick me! i alternately slump about and then laugh at my ridiculousness. but it is true. i think that life is a game in which we wish for camaraderie and like. love is easy it is like that is the difficult emotion to win. so there you have it, a pout, pout, pout about not fitting in. in an archetype kind of way i don't. there seem to be many things missing especially now after the trip, things like a cute home and crocheting skills. like the ability to make homemade bread and babies. like wearing knee socks with galoshes and vintage dresses that fit. so many things, so many with very little wiggle room, at least for these gifted hips.
and lest you think i am the snarkiest of snarky know that i adore the blogs that i read, i adore my mama friends and thin hipped girls and i adore you i do, i'm just giving in to cranky-whiny alternate me. and to think, this was going to be a post about slurpees. sigh. gotta love my dorky brain. you dont, but i guess i have to, it's the only one i got.