Friday, April 09, 2010

if only it were backwards day

cuz i feel lousy. i'm not sure where my brain has hied off to but i am quite sure it has run away and eloped with my self-esteem. i'm having a stupid, stupid week (seriously, stoopid). but it's okay cuz i think anyone would be having such a week if they were me. let me count my woes...

*i'm still sick with lung stuff. i blame it on the pollen from the trees we played under two weeks ago at the park. i tend to forget i have sad lungs. i'm kinda like a kid that way. "but moooommmm..."

*because of the ick, i have a in fully loaded. it ain't pretty. and i've been hacking so hard my muscles hurt and my bones ache and i feel on the verge of nausea nonstop.

*because of the cough i can't sleep. and if there is one thing i'm really good at, it's sleeping. haven't slept in well in two weeks. there are nice plumby bruises under my eyes from this lack of sleep.

*the mister too has not been sleeping. it's all because of me. i hack, i wheeze, i cough and then i um...SNORE, like my old valiant when the manifold baked itself open. worse than a chopper. it is bad. and because he isn't sleeping, i feel guilty. he is the one with the hateful job after all.

*not only is there a cough and guilt and a flurry of alien beings festering in my lungs, there are wee creatures that seems to nap in my throat causing me to gurgle and wheeze and sound like a pack of snurfle-faced pugs. this also keeps me awake.

and because i am feeling self-indulgent, let's toss a few more woes into the mix...(you may wish to run away and go read something else or watch this or this because i do give a little too much info coming up. i'm just warning ya.)

*so i'm sick and i'm wheezy and i'm very unhappy with this ick why not wallow a little in my infertility. you may or may not be aware of this but it is so and i'm sad. actually i'm pretty pissed off about it because there are real REASONS* and there is nothing i can do. we had been trying for five years and two summers ago i had a very painful test (for me) that spelled it all out. the parts aren't shaped right. deformity was also mentioned. and grandma had just died and so i coped by pretending i was okay. that i knew it was probably not going to happen anyway and i probably would suck at being a mom so this is for the better, right? and so i pretended and i cried and i ate and i got lazy and i ate more and got lazier and gained what i like to call "the no-baby weight". and i'm quite embarrassed about it all but it is there and i want to change it but i can't breathe to DO anything about it so what do i do instead? i drink a coke...from MCDonalds. a large one and then another and another (not in a row, mind you) over the course of a couple of months which ADDS to the "no-baby weight" and topples over a few more dominoes. okay, a LOT more dominoes.

*and then there's this whole road trip and move. don't get me wrong. i am VERY excited about it all but it is a bit overwhelming. the packing up of the tiny casa, the adventuring to the unknown and wondering if we're gonna be okay through it all, leaving good friends and lovely people behind...see...more dominoes.

*so all these dominoes are falling over but they're not connected to any cool Rube Goldberg machine just my shaky sense of self which makes me weepy. add the ick and this makes me extra weepy. so there has been a lot of tears this week but i think they're a bit cathartic. tiring yes, painful, most definitely but the more i work it out in my head, the more i think about it and talk it through, the more stable i feel.

oh, if only today were backwards day...

*p.s. did i forget to mention the menopause? oy!


  1. delurking to give you some virtual hugs. infertility sucks. it's not fair. i gained 20 lbs of no-baby weight last year (10 lbs for each miscarriage) so i feel you on that front too. hang in there. the universe has good things in store.

  2. My poor friend. I feel so for you. I hope all gets well soon. Does it help to know that I think you are the coolest, bestest person out there on the internet? I just realized the other day who you make me think of - I was watching the Goonies & realized that you make me think of Cindy Lauper. Breathe in some steam & tell the mister to pick up some ear plugs (apparently I am quite the logging equipment myself - so that is a tip from my mister to yours.)

  3. Oh, Jek. I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself, okay? I can't wait to see you next month!!

  4. Oof. Tough day at the office for you, Jek. I'm sorry you feel so terrible. I'm thinking good thoughts for you up here in Canada. Take good care of yourself.

    I can't wait to follow your adventures cross-country!

  5. oh, jek... i i only could come over and give you a big hug... :( it always makes me sad to see you so unhappy.

    and there's nothing i can say to cheer you up... i only can send you some better vibes... ♥ ♥ ♥

    i think i missed something the last few weeks... are you going to move house?


  6. I think you are AMAZING and I'm cheering you on from Seattle.

    Be NICE lungs.
    Get WELL dear lady.
    Be STRONG.
    KNOW how much you help so MANY others.
    You make the WORLD a better place.

    Fritzi Marie

  7. I'm a newer reader but just wanted to chime in with the others. Hang in there! I know your ick. Do you also spit out gobs of lovely green ick? Do you sound like an old man hocking a wad of phlegm? That's me each and every morning during allergy season. Hang in there.

    ((hugs)) and well wishes for healing (both mind and body) and positive thoughts.

  8. I'm de-lurking, too.
    You have really spoken to my heart here, Jek.
    I hope that your vulnerability in sharing with us pays off in knowing that you truly are an inspiration and an encourager in so many ways.

    Life does seem to have that "when it rains, it pours" way about it, I know.

    I pray that you find comfort and clarity as you face each day, and that your health improves soon! I live in Texas, and this is a TERRIBLE allergy season.

    Much love to you.

  9. I am also de-lurking to send you some love and good feelings from over here.
    I was so sad and touched when I read this post. I've been visiting for a while now, brought here by some amazing pics of your bed, which had been posted elsewhere!
    I lived in San Diego until last year - wish I'd known about you then!
    I know you don't want to pack up and uproot and take off, but you'll see some amazing stuff and have such a great time together.
    One of the very happiest moments in my entire, long, long life was when husband and I headed north on the 5 to explore the west coast of your amazing country.
    Courage, my dear.
    All will be well and all will be well, and all manner of things shall be well ....