Friday, February 19, 2010

here we go round the mull(ing)berry bush

(indulge me or skip this. i get kinda whiney.)

i've been trying to sort out all the thoughts and chaos that is (are?) floating about the noggin but just can't seem to pull it off. in a nutshell, i feel sad. heavy with sad. there are real reasons for this and not so real reasons for this and i think the not so real reasons make me feel foolish and stupid and quite ridiculous and all ego-driven. and it seems that when i feel sad, i am a wonder at digging up all the awful hurtful things people in my life have told me i am. so yeah, not so fun. how is it that we can receive praise and all that good stuff and it gives a smile that carries us through the day but give it some time and all we can recall is the bad stuff, the stuff where people tell you you are hateful and unkind and it is no wonder you have no friends. the bad stuff that wallops you in the gut, takes your breath away and keeps you from eating or thinking or sleeping or maybe keeps you from not eating or sleeping or thinking. too little or too much of any of that can't be good.

i feel sad and i feel foolish and not at all unlike my thirteen year old self who muddled through junior high in a saddened friendless state. i'm not saying i have no friends because i do, i have some absolutely wonderful people in my life (you know who you are). i'm just admitting to my juvenile self who feels unliked and unpopular and then really lame for wanting to be popular. who do i think i am miss amanda jones or somethin'? i have never felt like i fit in, ever. hello? i'm a freaking oingo boingo mantra was on the outside and even with all my wisdom and maturity (kee-hee) i still feel socially inept and on the fringe of everything that goes on around me. there are circles i circle around in but are not actually IN and i'm not sure why. i want to be but i'm not. is this a problem with me feeling insecure (thanks pop) so i don't want to push it or is it because i'm just not really liked. do i need to be more agressive and assume i'm a part of the crowd or do i wait for an invitation. most of all i think i really need to get over this dorkier-than-dorky feeling and move on. right?

mr. a-go-go and i are leaving may 1 or at least that is the plan. we are packing up and heading out for an adventure not knowing exactly what is going to happen. we're leaving our tiny casa and this great big city we live in. we are leaving friends and family behind. it is exciting and scary and i'm ashamed to admit that i don't think it will make any difference. oh, that sounds awful but what i mean is, will we be missed? will we meet new people, will my internet friends want to meet us? see? i'm like sooo totally acting like a teenager. it's nuts. this is the stuff that is not so real that makes me fret. the other stuff, the truly saddening stuff makes me too kerfungled to write and so i won't. and to cap it all off,my birthday is next week and i haven't really made a plan, or organized anything to do and i'm not sure i want to but that makes me feel petulant. there will be good eats and i will see my favorite people but i feel like it is mechanical and that is all my problem. my nutty way of behaving and thinking. i have told you i am a dork, right?

a total dork.


  1. Anonymous12:36 PM

    One thing I know for sure: if I was your internet friend, I'd definitely want to meet you :)

  2. I know what you mean about those negative thought loops. Like you say something and fifteen minutes later feel slightly dumb about it, and then your brain busily goes about recalling every stupid thing you've ever said and you end up feeling humiliated and about 2 centimeters tall, when really you just asked for a stamp at the post office that went out of print two years ago.

    My mom is a teacher and she mentioned something interesting to me, that it takes 10 postive interactions to counteract one negative interaction...and something as simple as a correction is a negative interaction. As a teacher she has to work really hard to make sure she is staying in balance for all the kids in her classroom. But it's a hint as to why we remember the bad stuff so vividly, and all those warm lovely moments gets lost in time.

  3. I feel like your feelings are very valid. I don't think things are so well defined anymore. It used to be the man was the earner and worker and the woman was the home maker and nurturer and social planner. Everything seemed to fit into a nice tiny package, with perfect labels and wrappings. There wasn't really a sense of 'finding yourself in the world' because the plans were always there. Things are very different now, and the work falls on us as individuals looking to find our niche.

    I oftentimes think I should have found mine by now. I think I am obviously defective because I am 32 and still believe I am a teenager. I mean, I am supposed to be wearing elastic-waisted all purpose mom pants and shirts from department stores. My afternoons should be filled with driving little people to practices and events. None of these things is true, and most of me is happy with this, but another part is worried. I am torn. I have a job, but it isn't really a career. I have a house, but it is small and in a terrible neighborhood. I have a husband and we have dogs for children.

    But then I look around at the colourful walls, and the stray cats outside, and the boarded up houses and think about the character of it all. That part makes me smile.

    I'm sorry, I just turned your blog into my rambling blog. But I feel where you are coming from.


  4. Well, I don't know you, just read your blog and I like you. You are honest and interesting. Warmly, Karen

  5. i wish, i wish i were a fish


  6. And I thought I was the only one is school who felt like that, years ago. (smile) chin up. Oh, I love traveling adventures. You never know what will be around the next corner. I do a lot a travel and may end up a few weeks or just a few months in an area.. First things first. Smile. Relax and say "Hi". You make that first move, no matter how scared you are, and someone will say "Hi" back at you. Mainly because they are afraid to say it first, themself. I love chatting up people while waiting in a check out line. it helps relax everyone and the cashier can get her job done faster. See something you want to know more about, Ask the air about it. I wonder how that is made, or I wonder what kind of flower that is, and maybe someone will answer, then again maybe not. it's not a reflection on you if no one answers, that means they don't know either.

  7. Yes, you are a dork. That's why I like you! I, personally, am a square AND a dork.

    Since I am mental (you know, certifiably), I have spent most of the last 15 years in therapy, which has made me--in some ways--more well-adjusted than many non-mental people. One of the things I did in the first, say, 5 of those years of therapy was work through the negative voices and sense of abandonment and sadness from my past. It did take 5 years, and I had to do all this woo woo New Age crap like "re-parent" myself. But it worked! And now, my negative voice is the negative voice of my PRESENT, based on my actual life as lived nowadays, not the voice of my PAST, which has nothing to do with who I am in the present.

    Blah blah blah. I think you're neat. I hope you feel better.

  8. I can TOTALLY relate

    you are not alone in the youth induced lack of esteem and fit in ness

    I offer you this, it takes more effort to smile than to frown, it is WORK to put yourself out there and interact.....we are all moody and I seem to collect the bad moods in is easy to hide in the house, I do that, I blame the weather but most of it comes from within me.....I wish for happy thoughts and the realization that none of us "fit" in, we just roll along and gather experiences to share...but

    I definitely want to meet you should your travels wind this way, and we have a guestroom and bath you are welcome to use...we could have some craft therapy, or retail therapy, or cuisine therapy, or escapist therapy and see a movie to escape reality, we could swim in the ice cold waters of the lake and make wreaths out of pinecones......we have friends in the Atlanta area as well that would welcome wayward travelers.....I hope we meet!

  9. You are so not alone. I have feelings like that all the time, and even though I KNOW they are bogus, I can't help it. I think I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, and mull it to death in my head. I think creative-types are most susceptible to it, and you are so creative!

    And, to counter your fears, if your trip brings you back to Portland, OR - I would love to meet you and take you out for a tea and a smackerel of something!

  10. Anonymous6:19 PM

    If you're ever out Toronto Canada way...I would love to meet you! You are an incredible woman...this too shall pass...xoxoxoxo

  11. Anonymous7:38 PM

    unfortunately...doubt,fear,insecurity,and the highs and lows are all part of the "unhealthy" aspect of our individual personalities. we can marinade ourselves in all the crap that we have been served or we can make a decision to move beyond it all. the more we evolve into "healthy" individuals the less impact negativity will have on us. i think thats why the older and wiser don't really care what people think. they know their own value and they don't need validation.
    you are a beautiful person jessica. you don't need to be excepted by a circle of people to feel good about your self, just know who you are,acreative,clever, inspiring,intelligent,loved person.
    a great book that i have enjoyed over the years..
    personality types
    using the ennegram for self discovery
    don richard riso
    with russ hudson

    every day is new,go live it.

  12. this is a great book. it will help you be the better you, and help you understand when you aren't.
    so glad to see you are blogging, and apparently so are alot of other people.
    you are a creative , clever, unique & lovable woman.
    happy you are on the mend.

  13. I think you're sweet and so creative and you always put a smile on my face....I love your blog, Jek, and I want you to know how many times you've brightened my day. Sending you butterfly kisses.....

  14. You said it, sister girl.
    You are loved.
    Fritzi Marie

  15. keep in mind that everybody reading this has felt all the same things at some point, and while it's not the purpose of what you've written exactly, it's really helpful to us to feel like we're not alone, and somebody who seems really cool and fun also feels that way at times.

    on the subject of not feeling part of things, i think everybody does occasionally but some of us more than others aren't group people so much. and i don't think that's necessarily a better way to be, but it's not worse and it does have its good points.