ever have one of those days where all the things you like about yerself seem to have slipped out the window in the middle of the night? not fun. humorous maybe, if you have the right perspective, but kind of a downer never-the-less.
i wake up this morning from odd dreams of stolen cars, kidnappings, missing backpacks and too many gelatin desserts. it takes me another hour and some odd minutes to brave the morning. the room is chilly, the covers feel good and all thoughts of productiveness have flown the coop. by the time i roll myself out of bed, my mouth is unhappy with stale toothpaste and the blanket creases on my face have moved in. i do the bathroom dance and groan at my reflection. i pull a brush through my hair swaying to the ticky-tacky tones of the static electricity that pop pop pops around me. with red socks on my feet i make my way through the tiny casa and on auto-pilot, i swipe the computer on, fill a kettle with water, squirt some honey into the pyrex and drop a flowering ball of jasmine into the puddle of sticky sweet.
as the water heats up, i swallow my morning pill, saline up the nostrils and wash the dishes in the sink leftover from the night before. there are warblers in the garden eating up a storm and taking hits in the birdbath, the sky is blue blue blue with a smattering of flimsy clouds. i peel a tangerine and eat it at the window as the water comes to a boil. unceremoniously i dump the water into the pyrex, give the honey a swirl and sit myself down in front of the screen that i am far too fond of.
i check my email and blog activity and upload a couple of pics to flickr. i suddenly remember i am brewing tea and stand up with a cuss and a stumble. the tea is okay, not too bitter and jasmine sweet. i add links to mr. a-go-go's post on the travel blog and get up to pee. exciting, no? i look at myself in the mirror as i wash my hands and wonder how is it my hair has already sad racooned itself all up? just last week i was in love with my hair on my head, still love the hair just not the face that goes with it right now. do you know what i mean?
what is it that tweaks our point of view about ourselves? was it the weird dreams? is it just a cycle of funk? i fall prey to this when the good thoughts go on vacations and i feel that okay, it's time for a wee wallow but then the good thoughts will return all rested and tanned and i can take a look at my notebook of plans and ideas and happily twist and shout until i have produced something. yet, the first day or two without them happy thoughts is a bit of a bummer. i'll dance out of it, no worries there but today i am just not in the mood and a little pissed off that they have gone. next time, give me some notice, okay?
so, to get through today i have written out a series of small goals and if at least three of them get crossed off the list then it will have been a good day. or at least, a good enough day. darn, why am i doing the no sugar thing right now? usually, when in a funk, i bake....fiddlesticks!
deep breath. check back tomorrow and we'll see if i have returned to normal. three things, right? i can do this. and please oh please, if you feel compelled to comment or contact just gimme a squeeze, i know all about the ups and downs of disorders and meds and i adore all the warm fuzzies but i just wanted to share because i am sure, or at least i hope, that i am not the only one who gets funky like this. maybe i shouldn't be listening to edith piaf right now...