Thursday, May 07, 2009


i can't believe it has been a year since you died. i'm still stumbling about trying to figure out who i am in this nutty world. i never realized how much i defined myself through you. even through the tough and so very difficult times, i loved you and felt my purpose was to be there for you, to advocate, to share and to keep you thinking and rethinking what you believed to be true about the world around you. this day marks a past year of loss for me. loss, confusion, anger, insecurities and more. on the heels of your death, came the dreaded hsg and confirmation that my insides are as screwed up as my outsides. it is no wonder i have had a hell of a year. the year is still not exactly what i was hoping, but i'm working on it. i'm working on me. i'm graduating next week and it is a bittersweet victory. i think i just need to focus on pushing through this cloud that has been swirling all around me. it has been like a silent storm that never erupted yet still kept me anchored in one spot afraid to live my life. i suppose i need to ignore that storm. i need to live my life whatever it may be. it scares the heck out of me. it does, but i will. i miss you.


  1. First, I am sorry for your first year without your grandma

    this is a lovely tribute, showing how she is such a part of your everyday

    the photo screams my youth as well, I lost my last grandma 4 years ago, and every day I use something that was hers in the kitchen and almost feel like I am a part of her still

    Secondly, CONGRATULATIONS on graduation! It is no small feat to stay focused long enough to make it through the maze that is higher education, i compare it to jumping through hoops and hoping you are on the right ground when you land, hoping YOU are celebrated and let yourself feel how much you have accomplished!


  2. This is so sweet. You are so lucky to have had such a wonderful grandmother. My grnadmothers have been dead since '89 and '94 and I still miss them. I wonder if they would be proud of me and what they would think of my girls.
    Just like Michelle, I have things of theirs here around me. It's a comfort thing and I have happy memories associated with them.
    Yay! You are graduating! Oh to be young again! You have so much ahead of you. If you can amke it thru all the crap you have to do for college, you can do anything. Here's a pat on the back-*** and a hug. Lord, I am probably old enough to have a girl your age. sigh. I'm proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. I follow your blog pretty regularly and am always interested in what you have going on. I really love your photos, too.

    I just wanted to say-big, big hug to you.

    :) Celina

  4. Ah Jek...I can't say it gets better. It just is different. The influence of these women we call grandma is profound.

    Watching you through the last year, you may not see it because you are so close, I have still seen joy, courage, fearlessness, and beauty. We are alike that we just walk through the fear.

    Its ok...things will improve. And I am so honored to share your journey!

    AND whoot whoot on your graduation coming up! I am so proud!!! Exciting times even through all the fear!

    Love to you!

  5. i lost my grandma two weeks ago and this post hits home more than you could know. from what i've read, your grandma seemed like a really special lady.