Thursday, May 07, 2009
i can't believe it has been a year since you died. i'm still stumbling about trying to figure out who i am in this nutty world. i never realized how much i defined myself through you. even through the tough and so very difficult times, i loved you and felt my purpose was to be there for you, to advocate, to share and to keep you thinking and rethinking what you believed to be true about the world around you. this day marks a past year of loss for me. loss, confusion, anger, insecurities and more. on the heels of your death, came the dreaded hsg and confirmation that my insides are as screwed up as my outsides. it is no wonder i have had a hell of a year. the year is still not exactly what i was hoping, but i'm working on it. i'm working on me. i'm graduating next week and it is a bittersweet victory. i think i just need to focus on pushing through this cloud that has been swirling all around me. it has been like a silent storm that never erupted yet still kept me anchored in one spot afraid to live my life. i suppose i need to ignore that storm. i need to live my life whatever it may be. it scares the heck out of me. it does, but i will. i miss you.