i've been in the funkiest of funks lately. my head is cloudy, foggy and i feel sad, sad, sad. i want to pick up and start over somewhere where no one knows me and i can be the odd quiet lady up on the hill who never comes outside and just may very well be a witch. i ache. i ache for the me i am not, for the me i could be if i just got my act together, for the me that i want to be. i ache. school is tough, this session around. the workload is overwhelming and with the funk, it feels heavier and almost impossible. the construction all around me doesn't help. my health doesn't help. the mister's own funk, doesn't help. the cloudy, foggy mess that is my brain simply doesn't help. i am aware that life isn't all doom and gloom. i am aware that i am quite lucky and i think that makes it worse. who am i to feel such a funk? i've got a good thing going here. i am loved by my mister and my nifty, lovely friends and i am lucky. i am, i know this yet, like clockwork, i feel the funk. it's mania. it's wretched. it's confusing as all get out.
for a few weeks now it has been difficult waking in the morning. it has been difficult sleeping through the night. the bad brain has been pretty active and things simply slip, slip, slip away. the ups and downs make me dizzy and crazy-tired all at the same time. i feel out of control and incapable and slightly crazy to be feeling any of this in the first place and then the guilt shoulders its way in. i feel up, i feel down, i feel good, i feel wretched. i want to disappear, i want to pass out flowers on the street. it's mania. it's wretched. it's confusing as all get out.
i've caught a cold that has morphed into something else and it has thieved away my newly recovered sense of smell. i am mourning this loss like there's no tomorrow and i feel stupid for it. yet, at the same time, this loss keeps me disconnected from the world. there is a foggy, silence of scent all about me that makes me feel flat and two dimensional and unreal and disconnected. the tears, the sobs, the silent sadness. the smiles, the guffaws, the small bursts of inspiration. it's mania. it's wretched. it's confusing as all get out. and then i see the calendar, i see what day today is and i get it. i hate it, that it effects me like this, but i get it.
i think this year is so difficult because of last year. last year was really trying and sad for me. this year hasn't been a hardship at all but the memories of last year threaten to steal it all away. today is my mother's birthday. she has been gone for ten years and still, i am sad. still, i miss her so i have to remind myself to breathe. today is her birthday and she isn't here. today is her birthday and my grandmother isn't here. today is here birthday and i have nothing left of her to carry me through, not even the hope of a daughter i could tell her stories to. it's mania. it's wretched. it's confusing as all get out. i miss my mother, i mourn my grandmother and i ache for a daughter i will never have. i think then, that it is okay to feel this way. it will pass. it's mania. it's wretched. it's confusing as all get out, but it will pass.