Thursday, March 26, 2009

like clockwork

i've been in the funkiest of funks lately. my head is cloudy, foggy and i feel sad, sad, sad. i want to pick up and start over somewhere where no one knows me and i can be the odd quiet lady up on the hill who never comes outside and just may very well be a witch. i ache. i ache for the me i am not, for the me i could be if i just got my act together, for the me that i want to be. i ache. school is tough, this session around. the workload is overwhelming and with the funk, it feels heavier and almost impossible. the construction all around me doesn't help. my health doesn't help. the mister's own funk, doesn't help. the cloudy, foggy mess that is my brain simply doesn't help. i am aware that life isn't all doom and gloom. i am aware that i am quite lucky and i think that makes it worse. who am i to feel such a funk? i've got a good thing going here. i am loved by my mister and my nifty, lovely friends and i am lucky. i am, i know this yet, like clockwork, i feel the funk. it's mania. it's wretched. it's confusing as all get out.

for a few weeks now it has been difficult waking in the morning. it has been difficult sleeping through the night. the bad brain has been pretty active and things simply slip, slip, slip away. the ups and downs make me dizzy and crazy-tired all at the same time. i feel out of control and incapable and slightly crazy to be feeling any of this in the first place and then the guilt shoulders its way in. i feel up, i feel down, i feel good, i feel wretched. i want to disappear, i want to pass out flowers on the street. it's mania. it's wretched. it's confusing as all get out.

i've caught a cold that has morphed into something else and it has thieved away my newly recovered sense of smell. i am mourning this loss like there's no tomorrow and i feel stupid for it. yet, at the same time, this loss keeps me disconnected from the world. there is a foggy, silence of scent all about me that makes me feel flat and two dimensional and unreal and disconnected. the tears, the sobs, the silent sadness. the smiles, the guffaws, the small bursts of inspiration. it's mania. it's wretched. it's confusing as all get out. and then i see the calendar, i see what day today is and i get it. i hate it, that it effects me like this, but i get it.

i think this year is so difficult because of last year. last year was really trying and sad for me. this year hasn't been a hardship at all but the memories of last year threaten to steal it all away. today is my mother's birthday. she has been gone for ten years and still, i am sad. still, i miss her so i have to remind myself to breathe. today is her birthday and she isn't here. today is her birthday and my grandmother isn't here. today is here birthday and i have nothing left of her to carry me through, not even the hope of a daughter i could tell her stories to. it's mania. it's wretched. it's confusing as all get out. i miss my mother, i mourn my grandmother and i ache for a daughter i will never have. i think then, that it is okay to feel this way. it will pass. it's mania. it's wretched. it's confusing as all get out, but it will pass.
my mom as a teen

14 comments:

  1. AW Sweetie. It will pass. It happens to us all just in different degrees. Don't stop living for each day because of the past or what you perceive your future is going to be. You just don't know what is around the corner. Today is my mom's birthday too. I would love to call her but she always manages to make me feel inadequate. I love her though with all the craziness. We all learn to adapt. I miss my grandmother and great grandmother. They were the Nurturers. I wish my girls had them to enjoy too. Lots of wishing and regretting but oh so much more. You two are such a matched set. You are an artist! An Inspiration! You are loved by compete strangers. Don't go predicting around those corners just let the turn around them happen. Many prayers...

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  2. Oh, Jek - I always ache for you on these memorable days. Sending you lots of hugs and a hope that this lovely spring weather will lift your spirits a bit.

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  3. your words really spoke to me, and i think you're really brave for sharing. thank you- and here's a cyberhug for good measure. xx

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  4. You're wonderful. You're magical. You're loved like all get out.

    squeeeeeeeze,
    stacey

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  5. You express your feelings so well Jessica.The 'funk' is a bitch.Your in my thoughts dear lady.

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  6. That picture of your mom as a teen is lovely. :)

    I hope your week gets better. :)

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  7. Jek, I know the funk sucks....no way to turn it off. I'm thinking about you, wishing you sunshine and the scent of warm Snickerdoodles and citrus blossoms. Big Hug.

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  8. Geesh, that sounds like me lately, only it's not my grandmother's or my mother's birthday, only I have a daughter, but she is so darn hard to get along with. I'm sorry you feel like that. You uncomfortable feelings will pass. Take care,

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  9. You brighten my day so often, I wish I could return the favor. I don't think there are words that can take away the sadness. But it is wonderful that you were once loved by your mother. My heart is with you.

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  10. Oh sweety, depression is a b. Surround yourself with bright happy things & know that the monster blues affect many people no matter who they are. Try to let the guilt go, & you have a right to your feelings. Get yourself a bright balloon, some fresh flowers a rainbow cake & snuggle w/ your mister & see if can get a wee bit of cheer.

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  11. Daphne10:13 PM

    Great picture of your mom. I remember that sweet smile.

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  12. Anonymous7:50 AM

    sending you a warm hug, a plate of freshly baked cookies, comfort from friends, children, and your hubby. i think you are a beautiful spirit. i beleive that it all happens for a reason. you are wonderfula nd amazing and you deserve to be happy. the kidsin your life are lucky to have you. you make such a difference in this world. you and your hubby will ahve each other and many exciting roadtrips and adventures together, you will stay close and strong and in love. there are little girls out there who need you to be there loving and powerful adutlm theone who tells them that they can be anything, that they have value and worth. you are ehre for a purpose. your life is magical and sweet. everything will make more sense in the end. it is going to be a good one, a long one, a loved one. you will be cherished and adored. you will be creative and youw ill be inspirational. you will finally know a deep peace. it is all for your greater good. everything around you is perfect. xoxox csh in sb

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  13. Anonymous7:54 AM

    you have a right to your feeligns. use them for a greater good.

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  14. I see your photos on flickr and think you must have no troubles to take such vibrant colourful shots. I think who can that lady be whose life bears no resemblance to my own. Then I find your blog and read this post and my heart aches for you. I couldn't read this and not comment...my mum died 15 years ago and I found myself in tears just last thursday at a concert that I just wished so hard she could see. It's a bugger. Keep taking those colourful shots. I will look at them slightly differently now. Hugs.

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