Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Always at odds...

it seems.

I'm finishing up a class on effective communication. It is a core class for my degree and has been most helpful and informative. My small group of classmates are a hoot and we genuinely have fun even with all the darn role playing we have to do. None of us it seems are a fan of role playing. The other night in class we were discussing authentic power and self-actualization. In my head, I like to think I live pretty authentically. I may or may not feel I have any sense of control or power over things but I do know that I try to move forward with intent and kindness. We were hanging out during the break talking about changing eating habits to feel better and look better and all that jazz. I came home energized with this idea that I would purge my sugar cravings starting Friday. I would purge my need for tall glasses of cold milk and sugary sweet iced coffee and strive to create lovely lunches at home to take with me to school during my next two intensives. Did I tell you I am taking crazy courses where I will attend one class for a full forty hours in one week? Then turn around and take a different class for forty hours the next week? Intense! Crazy! Yikes!

Anywhoo, I get home from class all jazzed about August being healthy month. I can't sleep I'm planning all the swell yumminess I am going to prepare. I wake up early and prepare oatmeal with fruit for breakfast. I hit an early movie with a friend and I bring my water with me. I et home and think "Hmmmm, it is lunchtime, I should eat" but I'm not really hungry. I pull out the boysenberries the mister picked that morning and snack on them. I pour myself a tall glass of water and drink. I set about reading the final two chapters of one of my class books when I realize I am in fact hungry. I hit the kitchen and all I want is sugar, sugar, sugar! I reach for a ginger cookie and fantasize about adding hot fudge, ice cream and whipped cream to it. I of course believe this would be an excellent choice for lunch, don't you? Instead I make up a simple syrup of ginger and mint and pour myself a homemade ginger ale. I plan dinner instead because it is late enough and I eventually sit down to a bbq tofu sandwich on wheat with homegrown tomatoes & avocados plus onion & cheese. It is delicious and filling and healthy. but I still want an ice cream sandwich. Sigh. Always at odds....

Friday, July 25, 2008

Photobooth Friday: Meet Up!

guess who i got to play with today? 174/365
It's been a long time Photobooth Friday. Even though I haven't posted, played or breathed in your gloriousness in a while I want you to know I still love you. Here's to fun days and nifty flickr meet-ups!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Trying...

On the surface, I pretend that everything is peachy keen but really it isn't. It won't be. It will be better at some point I assume but it will never be peachy keen. But I try...I plaster a smile onto my face and I move forward because really, what else can you do? Here is a little something I did that produced a genuine smile if only for a moment.

I like to package things, gifts and such in other styles of packages. For he most recent lucky parcel swap, the theme was candy. I picked up a pack of pixy stix because how could I resist those happy stripes. I emptied out.ate the candy and then refilled the tubes with seed beads. I tied three stix together and tagged them up. Pretty nifty, don't ya think?not for eatingbundledthree

Monday, July 14, 2008

no week in review

Please accept my apologies for stepping outside of the scrumdilly world to blather on about something so personal as this. I have another blog I use for this stuff but I thought I would explain a smidge why I have been out of sorts...

I'm still too angry and heartbroken to step outside of myself and be the happy jek that everyone smiles at. Pictures were taken thankfully in some ways because of the auto-pilot but inside, sorrow coursed through me. This loss of sorts, this intangible far reaching loss hurts. I hurt. I'm still physically taken aback at how much "it" hurt in real time let alone all the mind junk I'm going through. For three years we tried...in the world of DES it seems I won the lottery. Even if I was the sort of person who would pursue infertility treatments, my home base, my parts have very little, very very little chance of performing. The tubes are blocked with a capital B and the shape is all T-shaped and to top it all off, my uterus is abnormally small. So now I get to worry that I might actually conceive because it will most probably be ectopic and if it isn't I will most likely miscarry. how do I sort this out? I am sad. Simply sad.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

breathing room

I am on automatic pilot.

Silent. Automatic. Breathe. Shut down. Grief. Immeasurable. Empty. Angry. Me.

Monday, July 07, 2008

the week in review: june 30-july 6

Oh wow but it was a zinger of a week. It was non-stop goings ons. There was the long long drive to the beach with the kidlets. A lot of sand and sassy gulls. I taught an art session on Andy Warhol and we made some "Pop Art". I had school and my presentation to do and a lot of reading for class to finish up. The tomatoes in the garden are finally, finally ready to chomp on and the mister & I lunched on them all weekend. For the fourth we hit a BBQ at a friend's and swam ourselves silly. I also stole away with an entire hat full of tiny tart green plums. The weekend was kicked off with a birthday adventure for the mama a-go-go. We all took the subway and then the shuttle to the Hollywood Bowl for some Looney Tune fun. And...finally, yesterday was a slow, hot ans semi-icky day of cleaning, crafting and school work. Phew!

This week will be a little more or less of the same. I have a research paper due tomorrow..TOMORROW! Eeps and today I am having a less than thrilling and yet sort of exciting but not really adventure in radiology. A much needed test/exam is happening and I am antsy and nervous and fearful and ready to finally get it done. Wish me luck and if any of you have had an HSG, send me some good vibage, okee doke? Happy July!

Saturday, July 05, 2008

plumby goodness

ghostie fruity forage
We spent the holiday swimming at a friend's house. Over the pool was a canopy of small green plumbs spilling forth from a lovely japanese plumb tree. I got my hat and gathered oodles of the wee juicy tart fruit. What shall I make? I'm thinking maybe a little chutney, maybe a smidge of jam, perhaps a tart or clafouti, a small batch of simple syrup and of course a bowlful to eat as is.

I hope your weekend is a most lovely one spent. We're heading out to the Hollywood bowl for some Bugs Bunny and birthday shenanigans for the mama a-go-go.

Friday, July 04, 2008

Happy 4th of July!

May your bellies fill with fruity goodness, your hands get popsicle-sticky sweet and your laughter ring out like a bell! Have a wonderful day and be safe!