Friday, October 05, 2007

Worrisome

Oh how I could use some comfort food right now.

There is a wee wild beast tearing through the tiny casa with it's tail so full I would swear it was a raccoon. The sky is gray and heavy with clouds, the air is cool and I have so much to do and yet I feel exhausted. There are the beginnings of a sore throat which was predicted the moment the mister's tonsils swelled and there is the heavy, heavy tiredness that comes with worry. I'm not a "worry a little" kind of a person, I am a big time downward spiral style worrier. When I have one thing to worry about I decide my worry needs company so I find other things to worry about. This time, while I did indeed add to my worry, I actually have other things heavy on my mind. It is not unlike the can of crushed pineapple that recently exploded in our tiny pantry cabinet. I feel I need to let it out, unload but I don't everyone to run for the hills. I don't know exactly what I want but maybe all I need is to get it out there. So here is a rambling list o' worries feel free to scroll down to the happy picture instead.

Grandma worries me so, though yesterday she was doing so well she appeared back to normal. But I still worry about her, about her knowing she is near her end and I feel so sad for her because I can see it in her eyes that she wanted to do more but simply didn't and I selfishly worry that I will have those same regrets. I worry for the mister and his worrying. He's almost better at worrying than I am, our tiny casa right now is most certainly a place of doom and gloom though we try hard to mask it all with gnome making, cookie baking and polka dancing. I worry about my sister and all that she is going through. I worry about my brother, he may not live too far from me but sometimes I feel he is miles away. I worry for a dear, dear friend who has recently received the most awful news. I worry for my dear Roomie and her worries about her son. I feel unsure of my capabilities and am finding it so difficult to concentrate on schoolwork and then I feel a "why bother" sense and wonder what am I going to do...with my life. How will I contribute? How can I contribute? I worry for the family a-go-go and all their ups and downs and I feel so, so, sad and tired. I feel a sad longing for my grandma, my mother, I miss her so much, and for our failed attempts at a wee baby a-go-go. I feel sad, anxious, tired and lost. I want to pull all the shades and go back to sleep so that I can wake up to sunshine and lighter endeavors. Instead I will sit on the sofa and stitch, stitch away. I will bake some pumpkin cookies, watch taped television and attempt to work on my papers. Instead I will do my best to create something that makes me smile, if only for a moment.

9 comments:

  1. Jek, reading this particular entry almost made me cry. It almost made me cry due to all of the things you and yours are going through. I can relate to some degree(seeing my "worry" derives from other places and spaces). I can relate.

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  2. Jek,
    you bring light into our worlds every day with your photography and your crafting and your wonderful "i need to head to LA to have a bite of that" cooking/baking.
    Know that you touch people every day and when worry consumes you know that you are an inspiration to many.
    take a deep breath and know that you are well..
    hugs my bloggy friend-

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  3. I am so so sorry to hear of all the heavy worries in your home. Thank you for being the kind of person to bring goodness into the world even when you don't feel that way inside. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself on this blog. Thank you most of all for reminding me of why it is so amazingly wonderful and heart wrenchingly difficult to live life. I wish all the best for you.

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  4. sending lots of hugs and kisses and hoping you guys have a really nice, relaxing weekend. Thinking of you with love!

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  5. Nanette5:26 PM

    You are the ants pants of the blogging world Jek! I subscribe to your crushed pineapple analogy sometimes too. One thing that helps me is to embrace the worry/sadness & give it permission to be there. Sounds completely herbal but works for me. I think you are wonderful!

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  6. Reading your post is like looking into my own mind.
    Take it from a first-class worrier, pull those shades down NOW and go to bed and SLEEP! Your body is trying to tell you something.
    You are making yourself emotionally and mentally tired and you will exhaust yourself if you are not careful!
    Trust me, I speak from experience!
    Be really, really kind to yourself, and take time to contemplate your navel.
    And a teaspoon of cider vinegar 3 times a day helps (true!).
    A vitamin B injection wouldn't hurt either!
    (There's nothing like a complete stranger telling you what to do, is there?)

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  7. Oh Miss Jek! I am so soeey to read that you are feeling rather down. I can only hope and keep you in my thoughts that you start feeling like your "young" self again. Things in time will get better and for now just go and pull those covers up to your chin and take a cat nap and then maybe things wont seem so bleek.
    you are in my thoughts always darling! Try to keep smiling!

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  8. Jekster, I really feel for you. Oh, the "mean reds", they're nasty. One thing that worries me is the extremes of your up and down swings...have you talked to your doctor? It might not hurt to get a check up. I suggest this because I am similar and have clinical depression, so I'm not trying to be a rude pig or anything. I worry about you. You are such a caring person, but, please try and remember, you are not responsible for everyone's happiness, you can't take that burden on. Everyone has to fight their own good fight, and you just have to be there to help when needed...I'm sure your sis, bro and friends would agree. And I know granny would.
    Remember that you are LUCKY! Granny is lucky that she's still here, and that she has you. You and the mister are so lucky to have each other, and if its meant to happen, a little a-go-go will come along, whether it be naturally, fostered, or adopted.
    Don't ever doubt your talents or abilities...you are in your school program because you are capable of producing fantastic work! You are creative and inspiring and have such a way of bringing light and joy to my day, even though I only interact with you through a 'puter.
    Keep concentrating on the things that make you smile...and email me if you want to chat...whenever!
    xx steph

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  9. By the way Jek, I just read an email from the Craftzine blog and your pumpkin photo was in it! YAY!

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